Missed you guys!
Well, it’s been a long time since I’ve written, and I’m already off to a bad start. My first word was ‘well’. Starting off anything with ‘well’ guarantees every word that follows will be a piece of shit. Anyways, I’m glad to be back if only for tonight and random posting here and there! Thank you all for caring about me. It really means a lot. I’ve read your messages. Every single one. Over and over again. I hope we all meet up some day so I can thank you in person. This isn’t about that though.
I’m here to have a little fun ( filling up the bowl).
This will be long I think , have the night off to indulge in crazy blogging debauchery. I’ll add some vids and shit as to make the wait for “new responses” more “entertaining”. Hope you all join me tonight in my “comeback”. I’ll be around all night so feel free to engage.
HEY LURKERS! MAKE THAT DAMN ACCOUNT AND GET IN HERE!
“Official” start of diary ……
I have returned for another round of blogging in my mysterious, sexy way. For the next several paragraphs you will not want for acerbic, somewhat disjointed ranting. As irrelevant and “nada de” p.c. as ever. As I type the beautiful melodic screams of my tortured minions wail to the beat of a euro trash techno beat that plays in the distance.
WHAT THE FUCK?
That just isn’t my style, I do the illiterate and bad grammarr (heh) thing better than every one hear.
I do blog in my sexy and mysterious way though.
Let’s do this over.
I have a question…….
(hits the pipe)
Do you ever have those moments when you’re insanely curious about something, but at the same time amazingly frightened to find out the reason behind it ( you might be a loser?). I’m not going on some philosophical binge here. I’m thinking of it in the blog sense. Why can’t I walk away from the computer? Why are you staying up waaaaay past your bedtime arguing with this tool who can’t understand he/she is WRONG? You’ve been guzzling the tea or coffee (soft drink or waterbottle) for hours now. You don’t want to leave your seat. Rather than going to the bathroom you’ll start up the universal “dance of the full bladder,” while waiting for the page to refresh. Why?
( 1 NEW MESSAGE)
Fuck yeah! Let’s see what this fucker cooked up!!!!!!
What the hell is this? Dude is talking out of his ass!
This troll is wrong on the internet and Ive got to verbally smack his face up!
You type in your incredibly elegant and verbose reply and wait. Doing the crazy full bladder dance and praying for the gods of mojo.
** refresh page **
** refresh page **
(1 NEW MESSAGE)
Ha! I’ve got him on the ropes now!
**refresh page **
** refresh page **
( 2 NEW MESSAGES)
Ha! Somebody mojo’d and replied to my comment!
You know dude can’t handle your barrage of common sense and logic and you want everybody to know. Then…
The smell of victory ( Kind of smells like Blood, Vomit, Bile, with a tinge of freshly cut grass, and flowers).
Epic pwnage.
Pretty anti-climatic don’t you think?
My point?
Who the fuck really cares?
If you get a kick out of it and have fun ( I love to giggle at my own posts, LOSER!) go for it! But don’t take shit personal.
CHILL THE FUCK OUT PEOPLE! Damn! If we behaved in the real world like the P.C. Police expects us to behave on blogs we’d live a pretty lonely and pathetic life.
We’re all decent people here (except for Stipes, but he gets a pass) WAIT ( speaking of pass, damn this kill is fucking Tony the Tiger grrrrreat) …
Anyways. Don’t take things personal. We blog for fun. If I get out of line, which I’ll try to do as much as possible. Hide rate away or post something witty. But don’t take it personally.
Don’t judge me by one drunken, pissed off or fucked up post ( or all 3 at once). We all make mistakes.
Life is to short to get pissed off at anonymous commenters and way over their head FP jokes who don’t have a dash of credibility left.
Shit makes me turn Blue.
Just wanted to make a Point.
Save the angst and emotional investment for the real world peeps!
Allright, allright, hold your horses (or significant other, depending on what your riding crop’s used for) ….
I’ll get to the main point of my post ( heh…not really) in a hot New York minute.
So yeah, I’m in a pretty decent mood here and I want to get something ELSE off my chest.
THANK YOU GOD! I know that a lot of people think ( maybe not a lot, maybe no one 😉 ) that I am too vocally “religious”, compared to most here. As in, I pray and do believe God is not only walking by my side right now, he’s actually carrying me. Big ups to him and all the great shit he’s doing for me and my family. If only for the “placebo” effect, it’s worth it to me. I believe in Jesus, Allah, Jah (RASTAFARI SELASSIE!), Karma ( same thing) whatever the hell you want to call him/it. Positive vibes and all that. I think the church (es) is (are) corrupt as are the majority of the religious leaders. But, I want to make a clear distinction between being comfortable in my own skin and beliefs and trying to impose my view on others. I DO go to funerals and try to guess whether dead people are in Heaven or Hell before they are 7 feet under dirt. I don’t do it by judging and reaching a conclusion on my own analysis. I think about it in a morbid and curious way. We’re more similiar than you’d like to think “evangelicals”. But I’m not religious. I worship God, not some wo/man who says he/she has all the answers. Certainly not this fucked up version of Christianity you’ve hijacked.
Some religious people can really do themselves a massive disservice. Many do great things for our country. This isn’t about a general group. I’m being specific here. As a Christian I feel offended by these batshit crazy fools. I’m talking about the fanatical and blind religious kooks here. The Palin’s of the world (the reason I started to thing about this). I don’t really give a shit but, for fuck’s sakes, wanting to dictate to the rest of us who certainly aren’t worried about a non-existent “evil monster” what we can and can’t think or say is just bullshit. BULLSHIT. Don’t judge me motherfucker. Don’t judge us while you scream at the top of the lungs that I’m not pure enough to enter your lord’s kingdom. So YOU can be judgemental and I can’t? Shit makes no sense! (hits the pipe) There’s not much point to anything else. There doesn’t have to be a point for the existence of such crazed and fanatical mindset. Kind of like there is no point for that maroon or olive green crayon. You know what I’m talking about. The olive green one that no-one ever uses and just sits there in the box until the entire fucking box is filled with the crappy pink, horrible browns and stupid olive green ones. And what the hell are you going to draw in maroon, pink and olive green? A Purple Striped Pink Polka Dot Dem? As if! ( LOL!) Fuck! You get what I’m saying? No use for it, but you can’t run away from it. It’s just there. The elephant in the room. Eventually you’ll have to deal with that. Always up in your face. Fucking turd colored crayon. It would be great if that was just it. I could just pop that sucker in the microwave and delight myself with….
all.
the.
pretty.
colors.
To no avail.
You could learn a thing or 2 from color blind cat.
Bigots.
But….
It wouldn’t be half as annoying if you didn’t compound your ignorance with the pretentious attitude of having the upper moral ground on all issues. These people remind me of that toy cop/slash volunteer watch person/ drug addicted fiend/ high school drop out/ douchebag who watch your car while you go do something “important”. You know the kind. The one who thinks that he/she can tell me what to do because I’m on his/her turf. The person who isn’t really working for anybody. Just got the vest at WalMart and is randomly charging to park in public space.
Your turf? Last time I checked this spic pees standing up when sober and sitting down when drunk….just like you. You fucking Chuck Norris wannabe car guards are a joke.
Since when did donning a brightly-colored vest make you eligable to protect anyone’s vehicle? Do they come equiped with invisible weapons? Pray the gay, I mean, pray the crime away? When something does happen to a car ( such as dented doors and fenders, which will almost certainly attract someone’s attention), try and find a toy cop who actually saw anything.
But I thought you were EVERYWHERE!
When something gets fucked up, the miraculous powers are nowhere to be found or seen. It has also been noted that in some of the shady areas, it’s the car guards/defenders/bastards themselves who break into the vehicles. Bunch of corrupt bastards. Wolves in sheep clothing. False prophets.
Don’t think that because I wear Sarah Palin glasses (guilty as charged, I’d like to say in my own defense I’ve had these for years) and have this awesome sexy vibe going on that I’m a supeficial weenie.
I don’t have 2 housflies playing ping-pong in my brain. ( I CAN SEE RUSSIA FROM MY HOUSE!)
I’m on to your scam.
What’s this?
You want me to tip you?
Seriously. What the fuck dude?
Tip you for not stealing my GPS and radio?
Tip you for the privilige of being “right” in your eyes?
Fuck. You.
I’m on to you weasels.
The cheddar is staying in my pocket and you will not scare me into thinking I need you to “watch” over me (or my car).
You think you have a direct line to teh God from your McCain made Blackberry?
WAIT!!!!!
What’s this?
I have a new friend request?
HA!
Should I look at life from your “olive green crayon” and “neon orange vest” world view?
The “worthless but always there ” and ” higher than thou position of power”?
Even if ( especially if) I think you’re full of feces?
Fuck no!
I could try to understand you….
Quick Marty! To the Deluded Delorian!
“Life was so much easier before Marty! Give me the days of the Monkees and , when one could go down to the Pop Tate’s and be soothed by their melodious voices and tight rhymes flowing smoothly from the jukebox in the corner, while children gleefully munched on candy without fear of child molesters, colored folks, scary homosexuals, or dirty hippies ( see how I lumped all of them together?). I know it’s a scary and confusing world these days! Oh the horror! People other than God fearing, rich white men have rights! ”
“Great Scotts!”
Homie please.
Here.
The attitude is as ironic as Perez Hilton dying of prostate cancer.
I find these bigots fascinating in a pity teh engels kind of way. Here at the Moose I hired a professional douchebag to help explain all of this dagnab new world views to us, unfortunately, dude died in the salt mines (don’t worry, he was an orphan AND a widower), so in lieu of this I have personally set out to understand the world of lunatic fringe mindset by myself (or anybody else who wants to join me) in this most epic and excellent adventure. He did leave us with his set of dating rules which I posted downthread. A disgusting individual.
But I’ll leave that story for another day….
(hits the pipe)
On to another
Life saving tips for a broken heart :
I am sharing these life-saving tips with the world today, exclusively for the Motley Moose.
Masturbation is important. It is nature’s way of helping the pathetic and lonely remember the awkward and unfulfilling sex they had with their exes. If having trouble, use the following line C’mon Mr. Happy! Don’t fall asleep on me.’
Often, people break-up or relationships fail to materialize because the person is not ready. Stalk them until they are.
Remember, you are the only one who has ever had their heart broken. No-one else could possibly understand your pain.
Drink. Drink everything you can get shit-faced with: perfume and after-shave if you must. When you are drunk, the world is great and all the women are pretty and everyone loves you. Drunk-land is a happy place. Stay there. I love teh beer googles.
Psychologically speaking, there are five steps to dealing with setbacks and problems, such as a broken heart. They are: denial, despair, anger, unhealthy obsession and acceptance (kind of like being a PUMA).
Remember: constantly telling everyone that you are over her, at every possible moment in every conversation you have is a way of making it true.
They say that time heals all wounds. “They” can kiss my ass..
I know we have our fair share of lurkers. Most of them are GOP tools and losers. Thanks for the page hits! I know you don’t understand why those crazy liberals have so much respect for women so I took the time to hand out tips that you can apply in your daily life.
The backwards guide to dating. GOP lurkers take notes, this is why you need to get your kicks from trolling liberal blogs, and still live in your parents basement (or under a bridge) :
Remember the golden rule: “No” means “yes”
Chicks get off on the smell of a man, so don’t bathe before your date and get those pheromones out there. Cologne is for scary homosexuals.
Women really admire power and confidence, be sure to belittle everyone you see around you. Feel free to drop the N-Bomb even if your waiter is white.
Broads love compliments, so be sure to compliment her on her ass or rack. Make sure to call her a broad. Trollop will do (especially if she plasters on the makeup)
Always order aphrodisiac foods, like oysters and celery. Be sure to eat them as suggestively as possible.
Contrary to what the feminist press likes to say: size does matter. Refer to your dick size often.
Set up two or three dates, just in case the one falls through. That way you’re guaranteed of some action.
Women love to get drunk, so remember to order rufi coladas for her. Chicks love to lose control.
Wifebeaters and sweaty trucker caps never go out of style.
It is always good to make your date feel insecure and jealous, be sure to flirt with the waitresses or any other cute thing around.
Knock some teeth out, stop bathing and learn to play the harmonica right now.
Follow these tips and you’ll stop procreating in no time!
(we hope)
This would be funnier if it wasn’t kind of true.
“I get high constantly. If you smoke pot, eat well and work out, I guarantee you’ll live forever.” -Tommy Chong
