Ed:This was part of my epic (and long) openthready last night so I switched it up a bit and present it as a stand alone diary. Extreme snark. It is The Lounge after all.
I find bigots to be fascinating in a pity teh engels kind of way. Here at the Moose I got in contact with a professional douchebag ( code name : Rumpel Stiltskin) to help explain all of his dagnab new world views to us, unfortunately, dude was maimed while working in the salt mines (don’t worry, he is an orphan AND a widower), so in lieu of this I have personally set out to understand the world of lunatic fringe mindset by myself (or anybody else who wants to join me) in this most epic and excellent adventure.
Holy run on sentence Bushman!!!
While trapped under serious rubble we texted back and forth about everything before his “accident” with a ban hammer.
As we were talking of broken hearts and pain, we noticed the huge chasm between our lines of thinking.
So I thought ….
What better way to tell the difference between a lovestruck “normal” ( in a spaceman kind of way) and batshit crazy stalking bigot….
than to line up our advice columns for getting over a terrible breakup !?!?!?!?!?!?!
Yes, spacemanspiff is doing the Dr.Phil thing here and busting out his advice column in a totally snarky and kind of offensive type of way!
Quite fascinating what we came up with.
The Lounge and Motley Moose present …..
Spacemanspiff in collaboration with Rumple Stiltskin…..
How to try to play the field while getting over your ex
Spiff says ….
– Masturbation is important. It is nature’s way of helping the pathetic and lonely remember the awkward and unfulfilling sex they had with their exes.
If having trouble, use the following line ‘C’mon Mr. Happy! Don’t fall asleep on me.’
– Often, people break-up or relationships fail to materialize because the person is not ready. Stalk them until they are.
– Remember, you are the only one who has ever had their heart broken. No one else could possibly understand your pain.
– Drink. Drink everything you can get shit faced with: perfume and aftershave if you must.
When you are drunk, the world is great and all the women are pretty and everyone loves you.
Drunkland is a happy place. Stay there. I love teh beer googles.
– Psychologically speaking, there are five steps to dealing with setbacks and problems, such as a broken heart.
They are: denial, despair, anger, unhealthy obsession and acceptance (kind of like being a PUMA).
– Remember: constantly telling everyone that you are over her, at every possible moment in every conversation you have is a way of making it true.
– They say that time heals all wounds. “They” can kiss my ass.
Rumple says ….
– Remember the golden rule: “No” means “yes”
– Chicks get off on the smell of a man, so don’t bathe before your date and get those pheromones out there. Cologne is for scary homosexuals.
– Women really admire power and confidence, be sure to belittle everyone you see around you. Feel free to drop the N-Bomb even if your waiter is white.
– Broads love compliments, so be sure to compliment her on her ass or rack. Make sure to call her a broad. Trollop will do (especially if she plasters on the makeup)
– Always order aphrodisiac foods, like oysters and celery. Be sure to eat them as suggestively as possible.
– Contrary to what the feminist press likes to say: size does matter. Refer to your size often.
– Set up two or three dates, just in case the one falls through. That way you’re guaranteed of some action.
– Women love to get drunk, so remember to order rufi coladas for her. Chicks love to lose control.
– Sleeveless white-T’s, cutoff jeans and sweaty trucker caps never go out of style.
– It is always good to make your date feel insecure and jealous, be sure to flirt with the waitresses or any other cute thing around.
– Knock some teeth out, stop bathing and learn to play the harmonica right now.
Ed note:: Follow these tips and hopefully, you’ll stop procreating in no time!
Taking advice from Rumple ( or me as a matter of fact) is like listening to Chimpy’s take on global warming. Kid Bush is hysterical :
Kind of like having Sarah Palin as your V.P. and foreign relations expert :