All of the world’s banks have agreed to close their doors forever in response to the relentless logic of arguments put forth by peaceful mobs protesting the G-20 meetings in London, England today.
“It had never occurred to me that banks were evil until I saw a sign that read ‘Banks Are EVIL!!!!!!’ today.” said Nigel Olson, CEO of The Royal Bank of England. “It was being carried by a nice young gentleman with a stylish goatee and Birkenstocks who was waving it through one of our broken windows and shrieking something along the lines, I believe, of how he was being oppressed. I had been busy working on a plan to rob quadraplegic old ladies of their pension funds and I just stopped and thought; ‘Nigel, old man, this young lad may have a point.”
Mr. Olson stated that he would be happy to answer further questions but had decided to nip off and commit suicide for his sins.
Protesters brought a note of hope to the movement by fostering an environment of peace and reconciliation. The feeling of optimism was palpable in the air as spontaneous groupings of police and protesters broke out in rousing rounds of “Kumbaya, My Lord” and “We Are The World”.
Following the announcement by the world’s banks Chad Worthington-Hollingberry – the previously unknown Chairman of the Global Capitalist Conspiracy (which, it appears, really has been controlling the world for the benefit of a few ancient societies of blood-drinking hedonists) – sent out a press release renouncing profit, capitalism, private property and really nice cars. “We have seen the error of our ways,” the release reads, “and are at present working to identify surviving leadership from East Germany so we can turn over the reigns of power to them.” The release went on to explain that there had been attempts to turn over power to anarchist leaders, but these efforts had to be abandoned when it was discovered there weren’t any.
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