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Since 2008 – Progress Through Politics

Wayback Machine: Glenn Beck's InsaniTea (w/ bonus)

Welcome to the Wayback Machine, a sporadically recurring diary series for Motley Moose. The Wayback Machine revisits diaries of days gone by…a peek into our moosely past. The original diary will be linked to, and reposted in full, but, with a fresh comment thread. If you have requests for the Wayback Machine, use the ‘Contact the Moose’ link at the bottom of the page and let us know your ideas.

In (dis)honor of Glenn Beck’s last show on Faux…we bring you a Moosey Golden Oldie from sricki: Glenn Beck’s InsaniTea (first appeared on Moose April 15th, 2009). Also, as a bonus, since sricki writes so eloquently on good ole Glenn…a snippet of one of her Wingnut Watch diaries (Nov. 22nd, 2010 edition) is included at the end. I think everyone will agree that she has a way with words (and perhaps a bit of a thing for Mr. Beck?).  

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As someone somewhere once said: “you can’t know where you are going without knowing first where you have been”

So, join us for a look back, and a (hopefully) last farewell to Glenn Beck….

Welcome to Tax Day, ladies and gentleman!

I hope everyone’s gotten their taxes finished. My identity was recently stolen (why on earth would anybody wanna be me?), so there are a few extra hoops for me to leap through this year. But that’s nothing compared to the trials and tribulations suffered by your average taxpayer under the Obama administration. With injustices raining down upon the American public from every angle, the boldest amongst us are taking to the streets. Today, all around the country, thanks to the organizational efforts of the ever fair, ever balanced folks at Fox News Channel, whiny Republicans who can’t get over having their asses handed to them last November oppressed citizens will be coming together at “FNC Tax Day Tea Parties” to protest President Obama’s outrageous fiscal policies.

[Note: This diary was written in the buff.]

—————————————————————————————————-

These hapless brave citizens are emulating our tea-tossing forefathers. Well. In a manner of speaking. Actually they’ve just been mailing little prepackaged tea bags to members of Congress. (That’s right, they’re TEABAGGING our politicians.) Today they’ll be gathering across the nation at “Tea Party” events hosted (and covered almost exclusively by) Fixed News, where outraged conservatives will rail against the injustices perpetrated by the Obama administration.

And what, precisely, are their grievances?

First, we have to contend with the largest tax cut in American history. That blasted tax and spend liberal has gone and CUT the taxes of everyone making less than $250,000. Teh horr0rz! Second, the wealthy aren’t even being left out here — he’s raising their taxes, and now they’re stuck paying a rate that’s 10 points lower than it was under St. Ronnie back in the 80’s! That’s right, dammit. Under St. Ronnie, the wealthy paid 50%. Now this socialist bastard (he’s dark too, by the way, did I mention that?) comes into office and only allows rich people to fork over a measly 40%.

It’s fitting that Faux has claimed the Parties as their own, since it is their “broadcasters” who have promoted them so joyously — and none moreso than their own rising star, Glenn Beck. Pick a topic, Beck’s got an opinion (or three). From crying over Sarah Palin (“one hot grandma”) to calling Hurricane Katrina victims “scumbags” to suggesting that Hillary Clinton is the antichrist to threatening to personally “choke the life out” of Michael Moore, Glenn Beck has covered it all.

Not only that, but Beck has put together a couple of lists for our benefit, comprised of nine principles and twelve values in which all good non-socialist, non-terrorist Americans need to believe.

The Nine Principles

1. America is good.

2.  I believe in God and He is the Center of my Life.

3. I must always try to be a more honest person than I was yesterday.

4. The family is sacred. My spouse and I are the ultimate authority, not the government.

5. If you break the law you pay the penalty. Justice is blind and no one is above it.  

6. I have a right to life, liberty and pursuit of happiness, but there is no guarantee of equal results.

7. I work hard for what I have and I will share it with who I want to. Government cannot force me to be charitable.

8. It is not un-American for me to disagree with authority or to share my personal opinion.

9. The government works for me. I do not answer to them, they answer to me.

The Twelve Values

1. Honesty

2. Reverence

3. Hope  

4. Thrift

5. Humility

6. Charity

7. Sincerity

8. Moderation

9. Hard Work

10. Courage

11. Personal Responsibility

12. Gratitude

Beck posits that by adhering to these 9 principles and 12 values we can return to the way we were on… wait for it… 9/12. “What does that mean?” you ask?  Well, I’ll let Mr. Colbert explain it to you.

The Colbert Report Mon – Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c
The 10.31 Project
colbertnation.com
Colbert Report Full Episodes Political Humor NASA Name Contest

Now, loyal viewers of Beck have been meeting together already. Per the braintrust gathered at a recent 9/12 Tea Party, we learn we need to ban the brainwashing TV boxes and burn the brainwashing books (especially the ones with evolution and stuff in ’em). To lure these fine, upstanding, God-fearing, America-loving folks into lapping up what he spews forth, Beck uses a few well-worn tools of manipulation. First and foremost: Fear. He scares the bejesus out of these poor folks by regaling them with tales of lost liberties, revolution, despair, and the complete and utter destruction of Faith, Family and Freedom. He also uses the favorite go-to emotional trick of every televangelist — the fake tears. “Oh, look at how sincere I am, look at my honest emotion! I must be a really good, genuine kinda guy, listen to me!” Top these parlor tricks off with a healthy (unhealthy) dose of conspiracy theorism that would make a 9/11 Truther blush, and you have the general make-up of his show.

It is so over the top that even his fellow Fox broadcasters mock him.

He has also earned the derision of Michelle Malkin’s Hot Air:

“Even before watching this, if you’d asked me which media star’s most likely to turn survivalist, move to the mountains, and start doing his show from a lead-lined bunker, there’s no doubt what the answer would have been. There’s something “off” about Beck in a way that’s not true of other chat-show hosts…”

– Allahpundit of Hot Air

Beck has even garnered criticism from everyone’s favorite rightwing blogfest, LittleGreenFootballs:

“Is it irresponsible for Fox News to be airing this over the top, creepy alarmist stuff during a financial crisis? Well, yeah, I think so. But then, I’ve pretty much stopped watching since it became the network of Mike Huckabee, Pat Buchanan, and all Hannity, all the time.”

LGF user

“Wow. Racists, 9/11 truthers, and conspiracy theorists, all brought to you by Fox News.”

LGF user

Even the folks over at MSNBC’s Morning Joe could not quite believe their eyes.

Here is but a sampling of the insanecrazystupidlunacy that springs forth from this fool:

Top 15 List of Lunacy

1. America is on the path to Socialism — or wait… is it Communism?!?

2. Oops, no, America is on the path to Fascism! (Yes, those are Nazis marching behind Beck’s lardass. I know it’s hard to see past his bulk.)

3. Gore is forming Hitler Youth. (Yeah, that’s right. You heard it here: Gore, the Goebbels of Global Warming.)

4. The Obama Administration is moving towards a global currency. (Starring Michelle Bachmann: Wherein Bachmann tries to outcrazy Beck… it’s a toss-up.)

5. Obama’s gonna take our guns away! (BECK: “Because he will slowly but surely take away your gun or take away your ability to shoot a gun, carry a gun. He will make them more expensive; he’ll tax them out of existence. He will because he has said he would. He will tax your gun or take your gun away one way or another.”)

6. Foreign nationals “have been dropped into position” to penetrate us and foment revolution! (Ought go over well with the Teabagging crowd…)

7. Harold Koh, Obama’s appointment to be Legal Advisor to the DoS, will allow international law to overrule U.S. law. (Perhaps even… **dramatic pause** Islamic sharia!)

8. FEMA is building concentration camps. (He later “debunked” the idea. Thanks, Glenn, for your determination to discover the truth of the matter. Thank you for not loudly hypothesizing on their existence before bothering to investigate. Stellar journalism, sir. I see you are BOUND to the Truth — your integrity is impeccable and laudable. Well played, well played indeed.)

9. Obama’s use of a teleprompter prompts Beck to label him the Manchurian Candidate. (…And to wonder who, exactly, “is writing every word for this man?”)

10. Hillary is the Anti-Christ, o noes!!!one!!!ELEVEN!!! (And OMG, the Satanic “stereotypical bitch” was almost our next president! Worse than socializm, iz Armageddonzzz!!!!!)

11. Stem Cell Research = Eugenics = Master Race = NAZIS!!! (Just read the article. The jokes make themselves.)

12. Polar bears deserve extinction because they eat people. (BECK: “They eat people! For the love of Pete, they’re big, angry bears. They eat people. Not that I say we go out and kill all of them, but I mean, it doesn’t seem to be a problem here.”)

13. Obama was the first president sworn in without a Bible. (Presumably because our new Muslim socialist dictator removed all of the Bibles from the White House…?)

14. Americorps will indoctrinate your children. (This Obama program will brainwash your child via community service… and we all know how detrimental to one’s health community service is.)

15. America is destined for Depression and Revolution under Obama. (BECK: “Let’s just play all the cards out on the table. I’m full fledged crazy nuts — you know it and I know it. So here it is… this is what’s comin’ America: Depression and Revolution. That’s what’s coming.”)

Well, we can easily see that this man is a nutter, but is he dangerous as well? Whether or not HE actually believes what he is putting out there, the fact is that many watching his show DO believe it. Most will not act out in ways that cause harm, but there is a percentage, however small, of extremists whose hatreds and paranoias are stoked by such fuel.  While most who see his antics, even those from his own “side”, roll their eyes and laugh, there are those who swallow it hook, line, and sinker. And of those, there are some who will act out in fear and hatred, having been stirred to action by his espousing that which they fear the most. As Eric Boehlert pointed out,

I wonder if Glenn Beck knows who Jim Adkisson is. Adkisson made headlines on July 28, 2008, when he brought his sawed-off 12-gauge shotgun into the Tennessee Valley Unitarian Universalist Church in Knoxville, Tennessee, and, after whipping it out of a guitar case, opened fire on parishioners while a group of schoolchildren performed songs up by the altar. Adkisson killed two people and wounded several others.

Adkisson, a 58-year-old unemployed truck driver, brought 70 shotgun shells with him to the church and assumed he’d keep killing until the police arrived on the scene and shot him dead as well. Instead, some members of the congregation were able to wrestle him to the ground and hold him for police.

When investigators went to Adkisson’s home in search of a motive, as well as evi
dence for the pending trial, they found copies of Savage’s Liberalism is a Mental Disorder, Let Freedom Ring by Sean Hannity, and The O’Reilly Factor, by Fox News’ Bill O’Reilly. They also came across what was supposed to have been Adkisson’s suicide note: a handwritten, four-page manifesto explaining his murderous actions. The one-word answer for his deed? Hate. The three-word answer? He hated liberals.

The only way we can rid ourselves of this evil is kill them in the streets. Kill them where they gather. I’d like to encourage other like minded people to do what I’ve done. If life aint worth living anymore don’t just Kill yourself. Do something for your Country before you go. Go Kill Liberals!

What Adkisson especially hated about liberals (“this cancer, this pestilence”) and what he hated about candidate “Osama Hussein Obama” was that they were marching America toward ruin: “Liberals are evil, they embrace the tenets of Karl Marx, they’re Marxist, socialist, communists.” Adkisson seethed over the way liberals were “trying to turn this country into a communist state” and couldn’t comprehend why they would “embrace Marxism.”

Sound familiar, Glenn?

John Bohstedt was one of the Unitarian church members who tackled Adkisson after the first round of gunfire went off inside the sanctuary. Two months ago, Adkisson pleaded guilty to the murder charges and was sentenced to life in prison. At the hearing, Bohstedt told the Associated Press he didn’t think the killer had been insane, but rather had been manipulated by anti-liberal rhetoric.

“There are a lot of people who hate liberals, and if we stir that around in the pot and on the airwaves, eventually there will be people (like Adkisson) … who get infected by the violent rhetoric and put it into violent action,” Bohstedt said.

He remained worried about future violence: “Do you think there are other Jim Adkissons out there listening to hate speech? I do.”

Fox may have found their Golden Goose with Glenn Beck. He has brought ratings and national attention to the rightwing “news source” when it looked as though they might be headed into obscurity following the election of Barack Obama. However, with the ratings comes the risk of fomenting an underlying current of hatred and fear that may well spark unintended results. The Department of Homeland Security just released a report declaring “Rightwing Extremism the most dangerous domestic terrorism threat in the United States.” Somehow, this does not surprise me. Let’s hope that Mr. Beck tones down his fearmongering a notch (or 8), and that logic prevails.

So, there you go. Your introduction to Glenn Beck. I hope you were both amused and horrified by what passes as “news commentary” over on Faux these days. Makes Hannity and O’Reilly seem tame. For more on Beck, check out his Dickipedia page. Also, this article from The Daily Beast does a good job summing up why Beck ought not be on the air (though, I don’t think Limbaugh ought be either). Lastly, for anyone who takes this man seriously, here is a much needed accessory.

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**BONUS FEATURE**

Moar on Beck’s Nazi fetish.

It seems the ever-distinguished drooling dickdrizzleTM (thanks Kysen) hasn’t yet let up on the Nazi rhetoric. At the moment it’s “puppet master” George Soros who’s the primary target, and I know no educated, balanced person could miss the perversity of this kind of commentary. Keith bitches righteously, as usual:

Now, look. I could probably be one of the cool kids and make a Beck/Hitler comparison, since those Hitler analogies are so in vogue these days. But I don’t want to read all the bitchy comments about Godwin’s Law, so I’m going to refrain. Besides, I think any patriotic, god-fearing, flag-waving American would take things a step f├╝hrer further at this point. And here’s the thing:

I’ve been paying a lot of attention to Beck over the last couple of years, and I’ve noticed something fairly disturbing. Now PLEASE — PLEASE understand. I don’t even want to do this. I don’t WANT to be the harbinger of truth. This is a curse, not a gift.

But someone has to do this.

Look, I took every letter in Beck’s name, Glenn Lee Beck, and looked at their corresponding numbers. I noticed that when you add all of those numbers up, the sum is 95. Now I NEED you to think about the significance of that number. Think about 95 from a historical perspective. Now from what I understand, Peter was chosen as the first Pope — the foundation upon which the Christian church would be built. Matthew 16:19, guys. It’s that simple. Jesus said to Peter, “And I will give unto thee the keys of the kingdom of heaven: and whatsoever thou shalt bind on earth shall be bound in heaven: and whatsoever thou shalt loose on earth shall be loosed in heaven.” That’s the Catholic church, folks — the one True church.

Now…

**starts choking up**

And I could totally be barking up the wrong tree here. Seriously, you don’t HAVE to listen to me. I’m just an American, a common sort of gal. You know, typical “red, white & blue,” burger-scarfing, debt-holding MURKAN. But I’m just saying… I mean, 95? Seriously?

And who was the heretical rat bastard who challenged the Holy Catholic Church in 1517? Martin Luther, with his godforsaken 95 Theses. Christ… am I the only one who sees these things??? WHY? So who else challenges God and His church? I dunno… could it be…..

SATAN?!?!

And that’s not all. 95 is also the atomic number of the element americium, which was named after the AMERICAS, and Glenn Beck’s whole shtick is designed to make him look like the most AMERICAN American in all of America!

Coincidence? Could be. But I find it pretty suspicious, don’t you?

But that’s not even the half of it, guys. Take 95 and multiply it by 7 because 7 is believed to be the holiest number in the Bible. Do you know what you get? 665. Yes. I’m not even kidding. The mind reels to think of the implications of this. Because take it a step further, and here’s the thing: The most important Commandment is the first, which states, Thou shalt have no other gods before me (Exodus 20:3).

Now SEE HERE —

**gets more verklempt**

Add 1 — the MOST important Commandment — God’s PRIMARY RULE —
to the numbers we got from Beck’s name, 665. And my God… what do you get? Oh I think you know. It’s THE number. 666. That’s right. By my calculations, Beck is the Beast of which Revelation speaks.

**sobs hysterically**

Look, look, I’m not SAYING “Glenn Beck is Satan” — this is all just food for thought. Why do I always have to be the bearer of these truths?

**facepalms**

Oh, errrrr… and by the way, if you take all the straight lines out of the letters of Glenn Beck’s name and rearrange them psychotically, you get a freakin’ swastika. Just sayin’ — I mean, I’m not gonna travel that road. I think I’m above that. It’s not like Glenn Beck’s purported flatulence in any way links him to, you know, Hitler with all of his gastrointestinal problems. Sure, there’s no coincidence, no irony, no similarity there. It’s just one of those things, right? People who can’t stop farting in public have nothing in common.

Oh, how did this get here?!

Really, this is so immature.

I swear I didn’t look this up after making baseless allegations that Glenn Beck is a compulsive farter.

Somehow this just plopped itself right into the diary.

Oh well, no sense in editing something as silly as this, is there?

And Jon Stewart’s back at it with another spot-on impersonation of Beck.


24 comments

  1. Somehow this just plopped itself right into the diary.

    Happy said plop in another thread.

    That is two plops in one day.

    but

    wait!

    There was also 17 months between the diary and the Wingnut Watch.

    But not just 17 months – 17 months and 7 days.

    A week.

    Most months have 30 days.

    30 days. 17 months. One week. Two Plops.

    30 x 17 is 510.

    A year has 52 weeks.  17 months has 21 weeks.  

    21 + 52 is 69.

    That’s right. 69.

    2 plops.  2 x 69 is 138.

    “Plop”. Not “ploop”. One o, not two o’s.

    17 months. One o.

    17 + 1 is 18.

    So what we have is 510 plus 138.

    510 plus 138 plus 1 o in 17 weeks.

    I didn’t want to have to show you this.

    510 + 138 + 1 + 17.

    You do the math. It is there. The math. You do it.

    I’ll wait.

    I’ll wait.

    See? See the hand? See the puppet master?

    sricki. Oh. sricki. Who is it, sricki? Who is the puppet master?

    There it is. There it is.

  2. fogiv

    Oh, and did you know that our resident royals Mr. Obama and Michelle Queen Bee have their own private, taxpayer funded beekeeper on staff at the PEOPLE’S HOUSE?!?!

    {begins to weep, then puffs out chest, straigtens tie while regaining composure}

    Hmmm, I wonder why? {gesticulates wildly, mouth agape I’ll tell you why, America…follow me to the blackboard… {upon which is crudely drawn the mascot for Honey Nut Cheerios}

    Let’s talk about bees, shall we?  What are bees?  Cute isn’t? {draws pentagram on cartoon bee’s forehead}

    Sweet Honey goodness, loved by children, cheered at breakfast tables across this great nation. But this is not a bee, America. You know, and I know that this is a symbol. We know that bees are vicious insects that sting, they inject poison, and under the the right circumstances, bees will KILL you. They can easily kill your children, particularly since Africanized honey bees, known colloquially as “killer bees” have swarmed the nation. KILLER. BEES.

    You see it now, don’t you? I’ve been thinking about this, folks. The pattern. Africanized! This is how it begins. Let’s talk some more about these ‘bees’, shall we? {dashes dramatically stage left, panting, to another blank chalkboard}  

    Bees have a social structure, right? At the tippy top {draws rudimentary triangle shape, wipes drool on sleeve we have matriarchal family headed by a queen. Hmmm, a monarchy. Didn’t we fight a revolution to escape the tyranny of monarchy?!? {creates imaginary crown with stiffened fingers above head} Complete and utter control, folks.  Africanized, so even more deadly. {quickly draws oval shape with squiggly lines radiating outward} You see, folks: this is no accident — no coincidence.

    {points to newest drawing; snot bubble begins to expand in left nostril} Let’s all remember that the word Medusa means protectress. This is very important, but first back to the social structure of these Africanized bees.

    We have the worker bees next in line in this caste system, and make no mistake America, this is a caste system…and it is violently enforced. {draws hammer} The Workers make up the majority of the population as foragers whose role is to collect the nectar, pollen, and water necessary to sustain life. {draws sickle overlapping hammer}

    Lastly, we have the Drones. Drones are few in number, but they serve a singular, but important, role as mates for the queen. Hmmmm, wait a second. Drones then, are ultimately responsible for the longevity of the entire ‘bee race’.  The Drones… {draws trapezoid, and begins to rapid fill it with dots, chalk breaks, begins to weep once again} …the Drones are responsible for progress. Progress! {wipes tear streaked chalk dust from face} America, the minority Drones are Progressive.

    Now, why is this all so familiar? {positions teary right eye within an inch of camera} Redsitribution of wealth, Workers responsible for everything: all production, all the food…Drones, a minority of the population mind you, get to be sex slaves to the Africanzed Queen!  Breeding more Progressives! {draws several sloppy circles around the hammer and sickle} Socialism, Communism, MARXISM!  Marxism has two M’s, folks,  M. Medusa, the Protectress Gorgon Queen…

    …and we’ve come full circle {audible fart noise}

    I love my country so much, it breaks my heart to see this happening. I wish I were wrong about this, folks, but the truth is right here in front of us! {hurls self into chalkboard, knocking it, and himself, to the pre-padded studio floor}

    The Obama Administration {rises into frame}, Africanized (remember Medusa), will make workers out of us all, work us to death, take all that we have earned, unless of course we’re Progressive enough, in which case we’re lucky enough to be sex slaves, and KILLED anyway.

    We must fight this Africanized caste system, just as our founding fathers did. Our beloved country is calling you, will you stand with me? {crawler begins to promote Book Tour dates}

    Please, help your country. {looks directly into camera, snaps crisp salute as a darkening wetness in front of pants spreads out and downward}

    We must take our country — OUR COUNTRY! — back.

    {cut to commercial hawking gold coins}

  3. HappyinVT

    Typed about ten paragraphs of a fabulous diary and hit the wrong key…KABOOM!  All gone.  Now you won’t have the benefit of my magnificence.  

  4. sricki

    and perhaps a bit of a thing for Mr. Beck?).  

    I resemble that remark, Mr. Moose.

    And though I’m slightly embarrassed to see one of my old diaries dredged up in this manner for rehashing… I must admit this one was fun to write. **smiles wistfully**

  5. fogiv

    On this fourth of July weekend, let us remember that famous ride of Paul Revere, where he was clangin’ those bells and telling the British to leggo our Eggos. Hope everyone has a great holiday.

    America, fuck yeah!

Comments are closed.