See, I thought we wanted to increase the value of U.S. currency, not mangle it. Not so, says a goofy U.S. congressman from North Carolina, who wants the $50 bill redrawn to feature the face of former President Ronald Reagan.
True, and he’s completely serious:
Republican Rep. Patrick McHenry wants Congress to tell the U.S Treasury to replace former President Ulysses S. Grant on the bill. McHenry announced his bill Tuesday. He has 13 Republican co-sponsors.
Grant was a Union general during the Civil War who led the North to victory and later became the nation’s 18th president.
McHenry said Reagan transformed the nation’s political and economic thinking and argued that “every generation needs its own heroes.”
At first, I thought this was a terrible idea, but the idea of all these GOP ‘heroes’ on our currency got me to thinking. Here’s what I propose:
One Dollar Bill: Sam the Eagle. They don’t come much more ‘Murican than Sam.
Two Dollar Bill: Glenn Beck
In short, Beck is a Nimitz-class head-case-an earnest, creepy paranoid with a steamer-trunk-sized load of unresolved guilt that can only be redeemed by convincing everyone within the sound of his voice that Crazy is Normal…and Righteous.
Makes him perfect for the deuce, no?
Five Dollar Bill: The Buddy Christ.
If libruls weren’t so lazy, Jeebus would love them too. They’re compassionate conservatives, after all.
Ten Dollar Bill: Herbert Hoover. Come on, Reagan’s leadership on economic policy is second only to Hoover’s. HH gets the nod for the old Sawbuck.
Twenty Dollar Bill: Richard M. Nixon. The Grandmaster of GOP Asshattery. Tricky Dick should be on a coin too. A new coin: 11 cents.
One Hundred Dollar Bill: The Teabag. Says it all, no?
Well, do you have any inspiring suggestions?