(Cross posted at The National Gadfly)
In a rare public appearance, Al Qaeda CEO Osama bin Laden challenged President-Elect of the United States, Barack Hussein Obama to a basketball game between only the two of them. In a hastily called press conference near the ibn-Fazal Notouri public square, Mr. bin Laden addressed a pool of war correspondents and two beat reporters from the Green Bay Packers’ Radio Network. Although bin Laden and the rest of the al Qaeda management team are known for unorthodox tactics, this move has turned more than a few heads.
In prepared remarks, Mr. bin Laden had little good to say about Mr. Obama.
After exchanging pleasantries with the Press pool, Mr. bin Laden launched into one of his customary, monotone diatribes about Allah, Jihad, infidels, corruption and his desire to make women both sacred and stupid at the same time. Shortly after the reporters began texting each other with jokes about bin Laden, he got to the heart of the challenge itself:
“That fool ain’t got NO game! Ain’t no Hussein ever beat me…and I played a lot of ’em, too. You best believe that!
“I would like to see him try to drive up on me, the way he goes after those bitches in his posse. I’ll cold smoke his ass, right in front of his baby-mama and send him back home in tears.”
Mr. bin Laden suggesting for the second time this week, that Mr. Obama’s staff are sandbagging on the court to make the President Elect look good in front of the cameras. Mr bin Laden went on to say that because of the stress of combat and rustic living conditions, that he is much tougher than Mr. Obama. bin Laden practices every day in a munitions dump, dug into the side of a mountain, lit by diesel trucks and sharing space with stolen ammunition & explosives.
“I’d like to see Obama put the rock in the hole with ten crates of rocket launchers in his face. Shit! He ain’t gonna post-up on me, I’ll tell you that! Don’t bring that shit into my house! Nuh-uh. No, sir!”
Reporters were not allowed any questions, but perhaps anticipating skepticism on the part of the media, Mr. bin Laden stated that he had already wired $10k to a neutral Swiss bank, Bank Julius Baer. The bank has agreed to be the stakeholder for this match.
Mr. bin Laden did address the difficulty of coordinating and scheduling the match. Obvious factors of difficulty include Mr. bin Laden’s constantly changing locations, travel times and erratic cell tower signal strength in Pakistan & Afghanistan. It was suggested that Mr. Obama could reach out to Al-Jazeera to broadcast a response and some likely dates.
Tale of the tape: Mr. bin Laden was a Varsity Center on his High School basketball squad. In his Sophmore and Junior years his playing time was split equally as a shooting guard and a small power forward. In his Senior year, on the way to a State Championship, he was named to the first-team All-Egyptian AllStar squad as a guard. Scouting reports listed him as a natural guard with an above average shooting percentage from the field and some talent on the boards when called upon to go into the paint. From the free throw line, he was never a threat. The book on him was to work him physically, drawing him into foul trouble or at least isolating him at the free throw line. A notorious hot-head, bin Laden was not popular or effective in the locker room or on the court. As a Sophmore, he requested to be made Team Captain, but was denied. Undeterred, he showed up to practice with a large “C” embroidered on his athletic protector. He wears it to this day. He was known as a ball hog and tended to show-boat when he had the ball.
He was offered some scholarships at a couple 1-AAA schools but declined. In an interview with his hometown paper, he remarked that he was disappointed not to be sought after by the big schools, promising to make any program that passed him up to regret their decision. Most scouts believe that bin Laden is beyond his prime simply by virtue of the 30 years since he left high school. Additionally, he has suffered major internal injuries and kidney damage in his career as a holy warrior and terrorist.
Sports Illustrated’s Tom Rathburn saw bin Laden play in a pick up game at a CIA Christmas party in Afghanistan, 8 years ago.
“The guy had decent moves and was taking it very seriously.” He made some good shots, but all-in-all, he still looked old and after about 20 minutes – he was limping pretty badly. I almost felt sorry for him.”
President Elect Obama on the other hand, has been playing almost daily, for 30 years. He was a star in high school who also did not pursue an athletic scholarship. His focus on academics did not deter him from the exercise regime that has served to keep him in extremely good shape. His endurance is much better than Mr. bin Laden and he is a smart player, known for working within his strengths. He does not take shots that he cannot make, he is patient with the ball and on defense he is persistent and aggressive. Mr. Obama’s office has not responded to inquiries about the challenge or whether he would accept.
Incoming White House Press Secretery, Robert Gibbs suggested that now is not the time to respond:
“Nobody is going to pay to watch the President-Elect play bin Laden. Let’s table the discussion until after January 20.”
Rumors immediately began to swirl that Don King would be promoting the match. Calls to Mr. King’s office to confirm or deny the rumor were not returned. One source close to Mr. King did say that the promoter was recently in Afghanistan however, as an investor in the new Harrah’s Casino scheduled to open there in the summer of 2009. He would not comment beyond that.
Hi everyone and thanks for the warm welcome. I am new to blogging, so it took me a while to find this place. But, I’ve been reading it for a month or so (courtesy of CG’s links at other sites).
I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE that photoshop that someone put in my post. Thank you! That is freakin’ awesome.
I’m gettin’ all emotional now…