Motley Moose – Archive

Since 2008 – Progress Through Politics

My Eight Point Global Warming Plan — Making the world more cooler, by golly

Bearing in mind, of course, that there is something to be said also for man’s activities, but  also for the cyclical temperature changes on our planet.  There’s no point in arguing about the causes, however, we need to  be arguing about the solutions, as in how are we going to get there to positively affect the impacts?  After all, we all already know global warming is real.  

So this is the time, by golly, to roll up our sleeves and argue about how to fix it before it’s too late.  My suggestions are as follows —  

Solution One:  Giant Freezers

Building giant freezers in the great state of Alaska and around the world would keep the polar ice cap from melting.  Similarly so, we could ask our neighbors to the south to build giant freezers also in Antarctica which is also melting also.  This would not only save our great planet, but create thousands of American jobs, jobs being the big issue for the majority of Americans who need jobs and so forth.

Solution Two: Push the Earth Away From the Sun

By pushing the Earth just a few hundred miles away from the Sun we could effectively reduce global warming and institute global cooling not just for ourselves but for the entire world in which we live on.  We can achieve this goal by putting Americans to work pushing the planet out of this orbit and into just a slightly larger orbit where it would be further away from the heat of the Sun.  There are a number of ways to do this, which I don’t have time to get into here. But thousands of jobs would be created in doing so.

Solution Three:  Cutting Taxes

By cutting taxes, Americans will have more money to spend on much needed cooling such as fans, air conditioners, pools and more ice cube trays.  Just think. If every American was able to buy twice as much ice, for just one example, everything we drink in this country would be twice as cool, lessening the impacts of global warming by that much of a greater percentage.  

Solution Four: Kill All Polar Bears

Polar bears contribute alot of heat to the Arctic areas of the world.  They are very large and warm animals themselves, some would say even hot, but also kill alot of cold animals such as seals and walruses.  By killing all polar bears we can create alot of American jobs and cut the wasteful spending that now goes towards saving polar bears, while cooling the Earth in the process by ridding it of thousands of heat producing polar bears.

Solution Five:  Prayer Chain for Cooler Weather

This solution pretty much speaks for itself.  

Solution Six: More Snow

As everyone knows, Alaska is cold and it also has more snow than any other state in America.  By producing more snow, other states or even countries around the world could be made cooler and millions of American jobs would be created plowing roads, building snowmobiles and snow shovels and such.

Solution Seven:  Ice Hockey

Hockey moms know it gets pretty darn cold in an ice rink!  If every city in America built it’s own ice rink millions of Americans would be much cooler and much of that coolness would also escape out into the atmosphere.  Anyone who’s spent a few hours watching a hockey game knows how long it takes to get warm afterward!  And if Americans are cooler, the rest of the world will want to follow our lead and build hockey rinks too.

Solution Eight: End the Culture of Corruption in Washington (and on Wall Street)

The Americans I talk to are sick and tired of business as usual in Washington and the greed on Wall Street.  Not only are they sick and tired, but Americans are also fed up and angry.  As you well know, being angry makes one warmer, such as to say “hot under the collar” or “burning mad” and so forth.  By bringing much needed reform to Washington (and Wall Street) we can cool off America.


  1. swaminathan

    Hopefully the media will provide balanced coverage of this plan as much as for Al Gore’s plans.  This might be worth sending to HuffPo, TPM or some such outlet, very well done.

    This should help cool down anyone who is hot about the debate!

  2. I can even hear it being delivered with that head-twitching tone of scolding seriousness that is supposed to make everything more factual.

    “More Happy Days reruns” would have done the job, too, btw.

    -chris “heyyyyyy” blask

Comments are closed.