Motley Moose – Archive

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Humor

The Daily F Bomb, Friday 9/20/13

Interrogatories

Did you go to your prom? Did you enjoy it? Who was your date, what did you wear, and what kind of music did they have? Was it a decorated gym, or one of the lavish ones that have become a thing in recent years?

Did you ever work the phones at a telethon or pledge drive? Know anyone who did? Ever call and pledge?

What is the first record or CD that you ever bought with your own money?

The Twitter Emitter

The Daily F Bomb, Thursday 9/19/13

Interrogatories

Will you be celebrating National Talk Like a Pirate Day today?

Know any card tricks? Can you shuffle cards very well? Can you perform any other type of tricks?

Do you pray? Meditation? Chant? Swing chickens?

Do you make any attempt to remember/record your dreams? If so, do you try to interpret them? Do you remember any dreams from long ago? Have you ever had a recurring dream?

The Twitter Emitter

The Daily F Bomb, Wednesday 9/18/13

Interrogatories

Are you fond of jewelry? Do you (or spouse/partner) have any nice or interesting pieces?

Did any of your ancestors own slaves? Or conversely, were any slaves?

What is the most important or valuable thing you ever lost?

Have you ever lived through a serious drought? Did you ever have to ration water?

The Twitter Emitter

The Daily F Bomb, Tuesday 9/17/13

Interrogatories

What are your favorite and least favorite constitutional amendments?

How good a typist are you? Do you have to look at the keys, or hunt and peck? Do you use all of your fingers?

Are you a good swimmer? Can you dive?

How is the view from your bedroom window? Kitchen? Living room?

The Twitter Emitter

The Daily F Bomb, Monday 9/16/13

Interrogatories

Did you ever have a preference between GM and Ford?

What’s the weirdest thing you ever photocopied?

What was the most amazing meal you ever ate in a restaurant?

Do you visit your local library? Any other libraries? Do you avail yourself to library services beyond borrowing books?

The Twitter Emitter

GOPasaur Extinction Update: Rewriting The Fossil Record

 grossly oversimplified

Actually, the GOP version is only about 6,000 years

[Cross-posted from Teh Orange]

It’s not easy being green a GOPasaur. All signs points to their individual and collective extinction, yet they still walk the Earth, seemingly oblivious to their fate, unable to see what any sentient creature could see: it’s so over. The planet, it seems, is moving on without them and they’re left to ponder the cruel vicissitudes of fate. For surely, it must just be fate, right?? It couldn’t have been anything that they said or did, could it??

Like young children, taking to heart their teachers’ threats that their latest malfeasance would be etched in stone on their Permanent Record, GOPasaurs live in perpetual dread that their crimes, misdeeds, ethical lapses, and offhand remarks about female reproduction. Unfortunately (for them), while their witless song may have ended, the malady lingers on, thanks to the preservative properties of the fossil record.

Thus is is with unalloyed joy that some of our paleo-pals have discovered a solution to their extinction fears, a way to wipe the slate clean of their missteps and recast themselves in ways that the votersaurs will find appealing, even irresistable. Follow along below the Gobi Desert Easter Egg for the Rest of the Story…  

Calling All Nerds! Take the Nerd Quotient Test!

Are you a NERD?  I know that I am, and I have my suspicions about some of your moosies! However, as an empiricist, I realize that nerdiness, like many other human qualities, is often a matter of degrees. Not the sort of degrees one gets in college, mind you, but something that can be measured, allowing us to compare ourselves on a continuum.

With this in mind, I have resurrected the Nerd Quotient Test from my files. I cannot claim authorship of this document, but remain profoundly grateful that a fellow geologist shared it with me many years ago. You may notice that some of the questions are a bit dated. Please feel free to adapt them to your circumstances and prevailing technologies.

Test scoring:  Each question is in two parts.  If you answer “yes” to the first part, give yourself one point.  If you answer “yes” to the second part, give yourself an extra two points.  The total number of points determines your percentage of nerdiness, up to 100%.  You already have a head start of one point just for reading this far.  If you stop now without taking the test, add 99 points.

1. Has anyone ever called you a nerd?  Did you take it as a compliment?

2. Have you ever taken a course in statistics or calculus?  As an elective?

3. Do people ask you for definitions or synonyms for difficult words?  Even when they have a dictionary or thesaurus within reach?

4. Do you (or did you) sit in the front row at school most of the time?  And arrive early to get the best seat?

5. Have you ever used a “system” for taking class notes?  Did you create that system yourself?

6. Were you tormented in high school (stuffed into a toilet, made to wear “kick me” signs, etc.)  by the jocks?  By other nerds?

7. Do you know Avogadro’s number?  Did you ever put it on the back of an athletic shirt thinking it would be funny?

8. Do you use a computer for four hours or more every day?  Including weekends?

9. Do you prefer computers to humans?  Including the person with whom you are having an intimate relationship?

10. Did the phrase “intimate relationship” make you blush?  Or did you wonder what qualifies as an intimate relationship?

11. Have you ever owned a Star Trek gizmo (tricorder, fake ears, ship model, etc.)?  And a uniform?

12. Can you outline the plot of six or more Star Trek episodes?  Do you ever come up with script alternatives because “Spock would never say that?

13. Have you ever taken Latin?  Do you enjoy using it in everyday conversation?

14. Have you ever told a joke about chemistry or physics?  Did most or all of your friends get it?

15. Do you attend parties where most of the guests have advanced science degrees?  Do you host them?

16. Have you ever analyzed a fake food (Twinkies, Cheez Whiz, etc.) for chemical content? And then eaten it?

17. Do you have a pet ferret, iguana, alligator, tarantula, or snake?  Did you name your pet after a Nobel laureate?

18. Have you played Dungeons & Dragons in the last year?  With the same people you’ve played with for two years or more?

19. Can you convert Fahrenheit to Centigrade in your head?  Do you find yourself doing so unconsciously?

20. Is your SAT math score 600 or more?  Is it higher than your SAT verbal score?

21. Do you own a T-shirt with a picture of Einstein on it?  Do you wear it with a suit?

22. Do you wear button-down shirts with the tails out?  Over shorts?

23. Do you wear glasses?  Do they change colors outdoors?

24. Do you have a slide rule?  And know how to use it?

25. Do you know what a font is?  Do you know what font you’re reading now?

26. Have you ever owned a chemistry set?  Since the age of 12?

27. Have you ever browsed through Radio Shack?

On a date?

28. Do you wear a digital watch?  With built-in calculator?

29. Have you ever read the dictionary or encyclopedia for fun? Cover to cover?

30. Do you play chess?  Do you read books about chess?

31. Do you own a pocket protector?  Are you wearing it now?

32. Do you have friends on the Internet?  Are they your best friends?

33. Is your IQ a) greater than your weight, or b) constant to your weight in the same ratio as your eyeglass prescription over pi?  Did you actually try, even for just a moment, to calculate the answer to that question?

There are no unacceptable outcomes on this test, nor is it an accurate predictor of your success in any nerd-related endeavors. It’s simply intended for your own amazement, so feel free to post your Nerd Quotient in the comments, annotated with footnotes, supplemented with supporting documentation, and peer reviewed.  

Irish Sayings

(In case you need some Irish sayings for tomorrow.)

The Irish have always had the reputation for having the gift of gab. Irish come from a storytelling heritage. They love to talk, tell tall tales, sing, laugh at themselves and others, and just sit and talk for a while. I gave my Dad a bookmark that read: Irish diplomacy. The ability to tell a man to go to hell and make him look forward to it. Here then are some Irish saying both humorous and serious.

Friday Fossil Follies: The Dinosaurs Of Downton Abbey

Given your intrepid diarist’s obsession with the extinction of lumbering organisms who have outlived their usefulness, it was only a matter of time before she was drawn into the hypnotic vortex of Downton Abbey. With the benefit of streaming technology, she has lost countless hours immersed in the dealings of early 20th century aristocrats facing and overcoming truly daunting challenges. One can only marvel at their ability to soldier on, despite having to dress for dinner in black tie, rather than white, or having to cope with the horrific prospect of downsizing to a smaller mansion. Even an unexpected inheritance sends them into multi-episode bouts of self-loathing and handwringing.

Neither hunters nor gatherers and shunning any form of productive activity, these impeccably dressed and coiffed creatures spent their days heaving prolonged sighs of ennui. There’s Simply Nothing To Do other than watch as their way of life erodes away beneath them. Having been blessed with Vast Wealth that could have ensured their economic and social dominance for generations more with just a bit of husbandry, they instead frittered it all away through extravagant spending, witless investments, and dereliction of even the most basic fiduciary responsibilities.

No worries, however, as with the miracle of inbreeding, they continued to reproduce with and siphon away the inherited wealth of extended family members. Attempts to deepen their Smurf-deep gene pool by mating with those outside their list of acceptable relatives met with disaster, as we saw when Lady Sibyl – up to then probably the most energetic and genetically robust of the bunch – succumbed to a very dramatic post-partum extinction. The rest of her melanin-deficient clan could only stand by in helpless horror holding the newborn spawn of their former chauffeur. See what happens when the classes mingle? Don’t be doing that again, please.

Clearly, though, there were limits to the Downtonasaurs paleo-Ponzi scheme, and eventually, it became painfully apparent even to the most cerebrally-challenged among them that they must adapt to their new circumstances. Not right away, of course, as it was time for another dinner party, wedding, funeral, scandal, fox hunt, or bout of what passes for introspection.

Darwin would have looked upon these socially elevated life-forms with contempt, as they eluded extinction for far too long.  Those “below stairs” seemed far better suited for the rough-and-tumble life, as they were only too keen to jostle one another for position, even relying on early forms of social networking and psy-ops. The Dawn of the Age of Mammals might have looked a bit like this. But… I digress.

Where, one wonders, did this whole family begin their march towards irrelevance and extinction? To find the answers, researchers revisited Downton Abbey, this time equipped with a Kubota backhoe, and began the quest for family paterfamilias Cretaceous “Creepy” Crawley. Creepy made his fortunes the old-fashioned way: threatening overextended tenants and driving them off their property, strip mining the available coal and iron ore, selling these important resources in a controlled market to his corporate cronies, and leaving the resultant environmental shambles for future generations to restore.

Having amassed more wealth than he could possibly spend in geologic time, he set about finding a suitable mate. Fortune smiled upon him the day that he laid eyes, and perhaps a bit more, on local barmaid Molly, an opportunistic Mesozoic wench who knew a good meal ticket when she saw one. With her marriage to Creepy, she made the leap to life as Lady Molly Crawley, leaving behind her humble origins. What she lacked in gentility she more than made up for in fecundity, and soon the Crawley cave was alive with the pitter-patter of little Crawley feet.

As time went by, these illustrious offspring went their separate ways. Some of them achieved great distinction in science, medicine, engineering, and the arts. Accordingly, these family members were lopped from the family tree, as that is simply not the sort of lifestyle appropriate for a true aristocrat. After generations of pruning, we find ourselves left with the likes of Robert Crawley, Earl of Grantham, and his emotionally-blocked kin who can wonder for days on end what on Earth they could be doing other than staring into the face of impending ruin. It’s all so awfully, awfully tedious, and only by drowning their sorrows in alcohol can they endure their existential pain. Frankly, it’s remarkable that they didn’t succumb to cirrhosis of the liver, every last one of them.

Just as the real dinosaurs of the Mesozoic must have done, the Crawleys watch, transfixed, as that bright shining ball of flames illuminates their cosmos, getting ever larger. What is that, they wonder. Then, suddenly, it hits them.  

Dinosaur Extinction Update: GOPasaurs Gone Wild!

It’s been eons since my last dinosaur extinction diary over at The Place That Shall Not Be Named. For those of you who’ve been following me from there, you know the drill: they’re periodic updates on GOP dinosaurs (GOPasaurs) who are long overdue for extinction, but still of interest to the Grim Reaper. I’ve long suspected that the Reaper is keeping them alive purely for entertainment purposes, so let’s join him in the fun!

Wisconsosaurus ronjohnsonii – new on the scene – at least in the scale of geologic time – this Baggasaur already displays delusions of adequacy. Attempting to sink his teeth into Clintonasaurus hillarii in a shameful display of misdirected Mesozoic self-aggrandizement, W. ronjohnsonii has caused massive tectonic upheaval in the Wisconsinan terrain, as millions of residents fall to their knees simultaneously, begging forgiveness for electing this Cretaceous miscreant.

McCainasuaurus getoffamylawnii – what? Not extinct yet? For the love of [insert name of deity here]. Proving once again that there’s no time limit on crankiness, M. getoffamylawnii continues to vocalize his deep, deep dismay at the current state of affairs in every available venue. Following the meteoric rise and stunning fall from grace of his protégé, the hapless Griftasaurus palinii, M. getoffamylawnii has found a new paleo-pal, Granitestatasaurus ayotteii to reprise the role of Etta Place to his geriatric Sundance Kid, to very creepy effect.

Nonnamedforaynrandasaurus paulii – with his octogenarian progenitor gone from the scene, it falls to young N. paulii to pick up the Mesozoic mantle. His bizarre mammalian coif is a useless disguise, for this is a cold-blooded creature with Freon in its veins.  Under his [highly] theoretical faux presidency, Things Would Be Different, and C. hillarii would have been tossed into the nearest volcano for her role in the Benghazi Extinctions. Fortunately for all concerned, N. paulii has already reached the limits of his evolutionary journey and will not be redecorating the White Cave, ever.

Behemasaurus christii – taxonomists are giving this hefty Jerseysaur a second look as researchers continue to identify mammalian tendencies such as genuine (seeming) compassion for the young, the weak, and the storm-tossed. These behaviors (and B. christii’s “palling around” with Obamasaurus Rex) have inflamed fellow GOPasaurs who rightfully fear that B. christii will loom large in more ways than one as the 2016 election nears.  

Brontosaurus romneii – after a crushing defeat, all that’s left of this Bainosaur is a pile of unpaid bills for the fireworks and catering at the over-the-top victory celebration. Acceding to the wishes of millions (including many in his own party), B. romneii has indeed disappeared from the scene, returning to the world of corporate doings, surrounded by his vast (or half-vast) dynastic clan, his domestic staff, his multiple well-appointed caves, and his untold wealth. Since his mate, Dressageasaurus annii, announced that this was B. romneii’s Final Campaign, perhaps he has truly taken his place in the fossil record. One can hope.

Prevaricasaurus ryanii – slowly realizing that he had aligned himself with a losing venture, this witless follower of the Ayn Rand Petroglyphs continues to scratch and claw his way back to some semblance of relevance, to no avail. As his fellow GOPasaurs tear each other limb from limb, they just don’t seem to care about their paleo-wunderkind any more, proving that you needn’t be old to become extinct.

Bloviasaurus limbaughii – as his sponsors run, screaming, into the hills, B. limbaughii ratchets up his caustic Cretaceous crudeness to unprecedented levels, to the delight of the six remaining listeners in Misogyny, Montana. Once a Force To Be Reckoned with, spewing his vile pronouncements across the land from his Oxycontin-filled cave, B. limbaughii is now at the top of the Reaper’s list, as soon as the Reaper can find a large enough volcano.

Boehnersaurus lachrymosii – how this weepy orange creature has eluded the Reaper is a mystery, but despite attacks from his closest allies, he remains to fight another day. With the help of his goggle-eyed sidekick, Archelon mcconnellii, B. lachrymosii has led the Great Capitulation of GOPasaurs who are too busy with their GOPasaur-on-GOPasaur violence to organize against the Greatness Of Obamasaurus Rex. Extinction, when it comes, will look an awful lot like Velociraptor cantorii, the most cold-blooded of the bunch, who is just biding his time until he sinks his fangs into his colleague. Nothing personal, he’ll say. It’s just business.  

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