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Since 2008 – Progress Through Politics

I’ve Never Met My Best Friend: Pondering online friendships

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This diary was prompted by a recent discussion elsewhere. It’s not meant to be a deep work of philosophy or literature, just musings on the questions ‘Are online friendships real? Do they have the same meaning and impact as off-line friendships?’ They’re questions that bring out strong opinions on both sides.

My opinion, as the title makes clear, is that online friendships can be just as powerful as in person relationships. They’re not the same, it’s true. But they can be just as precious.

My two best friends are on-line friends. One I’ve met once when trs and I swung by her house a couple of years ago during our vacation to help her out with a couple of things. We’d been friends for several years by then, though, without having met. She’s about 560 miles from me. My best friend I’ve never met is almost 1600 miles away. I hope to finally meet her this summer after 4 years of friendship.

In both cases, we started with chats in online comment threads, progressed to e-mails and then to phone calls. I have other online friends; some I’ve met at meet-ups, some not. Many I’ve met on political sites and then friended on Facebook. Because I have issues with social skills, interacting with them primarily in writing works well for me.  

The two main arguments I’ve seen against online friendships deal with transparency and distance. First transparency: It’s true that it’s easier to pretend to be someone you’re not online. On the internet, nobody knows you’re an ax murderer. On the other hand, look at all those folks who say of the serial rapist or murder, ‘but he seemed like such a nice man’, often including their spouse and children. So while you can’t do as much to hide your physical reality in person, if you want to hide the inner you it’s just as possible face to face.

Online, as in person, predators and pretenders can pray on those who don’t exercise good judgment. That’s why those of us who are parents monitor who our kids are hanging out with – in both realms. Online relationships do require a degree of care and maturity. So perhaps they’re not for everyone.

As far as distance, that’s purely a matter of preference. How important is it to spend time with your friends face to face? Will a voice on the phone or a spate of messages or e-mails suit you just as well? For me, they suit me better. I feel much less awkward getting to know someone by e-mail and comment threads, where there’s more time and I feel less pressured.

True there are certain things you can’t do for a distant friend: I hate not being there to physically help when a friend is in need, to provide transportation to the doctor or cook a meal. But there are ways the online community can accomplish things your local community couldn’t. A group of us raised over $20,000 in a week for an uninsured friend to have badly needed surgery. When another friend got an apartment, trs and I picked up furniture from three states and delivered it to her. She furnished her apartment with things from folks she’d never met; in fact when we delivered was the first time I’d ever met her.

I’ve seen it time after time: one person in an online community searching in their area of expertise for resources for another community member they’ve never met who is in need. Care packages heading through the mail; words of encouragement in hard times, phone calls to provide support. The ways online folks can express community and friendship are almost endless.

On July 28, 2009 my 44 year-old kid brother Frank died. I don’t make friends well in person; when something good happened and I needed someone to share my excitement my first call was to Frank. When things went wrong and I needed someone to support me, my first call was to Frank. And suddenly Frank was gone. If it hadn’t been for my online friends and community I don’t know how I’d have gotten through that time.

Now, I have my husband trs. I met him on a site of a different color; at the time Frank died we’d never met in person but I spent hours on the phone with him. He was strong with me so I could be strong for my family.

And I also have my dear friends Nurse Kelley and Khloe. Nursey and I chat a number of times each week. Khloe and I have the most wonderful and oddball text exchanges, plus the occasional phone call. And then, too many to mention who are my greater family; my community. We connect through comment threads and Facebook, offering support and advice from a wide range of backgrounds as well as the general chitchat and hilarity that ensues when a group of friends hangs out.

It seems in the physical world, community is dying. Online, it is thriving.

So those are my ponderings. Yours?


Categories: Uncategorized.

/ 111 Comments

111 comments

  2. JG in MD

    when we got together, wasn’t it… sitting on the kitchen floor watching TRS digging around under my sink, Kidlet dancing around my tiny apartment, the cats going all WTF?

    Actually, the inept (moi) in conversation with another inept is delightful to the Watcher In My Head. I enjoyed our visit a lot.

  4. slksfca

    After much hard work I was able to take myself from a shy kid to a very gregarious and social adult, making many MANY happy acquaintances along the way. But my core group of close friends (which can be counted on the fingers of one hand) hasn’t really grown much over the years.

    Nowadays I’m shyer again in person than I used to be, and online interactions suit me just fine. I’m more comfortable writing than I am talking anyway, and usually means that in social settings I mostly listen. That makes people want to tell me things, but it’s not so good when I DO have things I want to say myself, LOL!

    Anyway. I’ve been very lucky to have some online friendships that have crossed the border into actually meeting in person, as well as other online friendships, just as valuable, where I know we’ll never actually meet. I say “Hooray!” for the internet and how it has been such a great blessing in my life. I would be much diminished without my online contacts, even the ones that go no further than trading quips and jokes. They’re all enriching. 🙂

  5. JanF

    I had been feeling a bit bruised a while back when someone claimed that “online friendships aren’t real”. Well, they certainly felt real to me! After I mulled it over, I realized that it was a matter of opinion and one that people can differ on. As a blanket statement, it is wrong but as a matter of opinion (“to me, online friendships aren’t real”) it is certainly something a person is entitled to.

    In 2009, some things happened in my life that made me need to find human connections. Since I was tethered to my computer and really not able for various reasons to find social connections in “real life”, I ventured into various online forums and then finally found I enjoyed political blogs. The conversations were interesting and enlightening and, sometimes, just plain fun. And being a political geek who liked to write and who had opinions made it seem like a perfect match.

    In one such online community, a person posted a comment once where a person in her “real life” said something about her “online friends”. Her comment was “I don’t think of friends as online or offline, just as friends”.

    Here is a definition of “friend” from Bing:

    1. somebody emotionally close: somebody who trusts and is fond of another

    2. acquaintance: somebody who thinks well of or is on good terms with somebody else

    3. ally: an ally, or somebody who is not an enemy

    I don’t see anything in that definition that says we need to be in the same room or even on the same continent with our friends.

  6. cassandracarolina

    I have some very long-term work friends that I’ve never met. Working in a multinational corporation with offices around the world, I have truly enjoyed working on projects, co-authoring papers and presentations, and otherwise collaborating with people who share my technical interests and personality quirks. On the occasions when I’ve been able to meet these people, it’s often after months or years of working together.

    Thus, it doesn’t surprise me at all that I would form a few on-line friendships. I am very careful in my on-line dealings, as I’m well aware of on-line relationships that have gotten very ugly. I am also concerned about the possibility of people having very different ideas about what constitutes friendship and confidentiality. That’s not to say that I wouldn’t interact with them via e-mail, but I am very careful about disclosing personal information to them.

    In order to be able to blog about controversial political issues, I feel that I need to cordon off my posting life from my personal and professional life. For instance, I wrote quite scathingly about the always-witless Rick Perry in recent years. I would not have felt comfortable having people know who I was, where I lived, or where I worked. Mr. Perry has a lot of well-armed friends. As a result, I politely turned down invitations to hang out with fellow political bloggers at local events.

    My theory is that one’s true internet friends self select over time. They prove their trustworthiness, their compassion, and their genuine concern for your wellbeing. With these people, you can begin to share the meaningful aspects of friendship.

    Approaching such a friend can be like approaching a skittish animal, or a dog that’s had some bad experiences. Take it slowly; don’t freak them out with sudden interest or a desire to connect. I’ve found that character reveals itself in a person’s on-line posts and comments, and how they interact with others. That’s not to say there aren’t some devious people on-line, but they usually give off enough of a vibe to trigger some antenna-tingling reaction.

    If you never meet your internet friend in person, you’re no further behind than where you were at the outset. Plus, you have the satisfaction of believing that they envision  you as taller, slimmer, better looking, better coordinated, and more fashionable than a visual inspection might reveal. That’s priceless 😉

  7. Avilyn

    Sometimes, I am blessed to physically meet one of the friends (five, to date).  But in general, with work & my commute, I don’t often have a lot of free time.  Also, I tend to be a homebody and I really don’t like cities, so I typically don’t get to larger meetups.  I do have some friends who will check in on me if they don’t see me posting, and I do likewise.  And when an online community pulls together a whole, we can accomplish some good things (like the community quilts).

    One of the reasons I started actively posting at GOS after lurking for years was because I saw when commonmass had a stroke & HBIII recognized the symptoms and called an ambulance for him from across the country.  Helped me realize that it was more of a community than just a bunch of random people blogging.

  8. Ebby

    You were one of the first on-line friends I ever sent a pm too, when your brother Frank passed.  The words may have been exchanged on-line rather than in person, but the caring was very real.

    Some of the relationships I cherish most are with people I’ve not met (yet, at least) in person.  I’m glad you posted these thoughts.

  9. Nurse Kelley

    The internet has added such depth and richness and opportunity to my life that I think it may be the greatest advancement of my lifetime. I cannot imagine a better life for myself than living in the mountains with the de-isolating help of the internet. (That’s a word I just made up, “de-isolating”.) It makes me well up to think that I would not have good friends scattered all across this country and beyond were it not for the computer.

    What began as a slow dial-up connection for email correspondence soon morphed into lightning-fast DSL for research of any kind, blogging, shopping, learning … and community. Allies, friends, former neighbors and co-workers, an occasional lost lover, and countless transient contacts have entered or reentered my life because of this black box humming beside my desk.

  10. LeftOverFlowerChild

    I’ve met a number of online friends over the years. I’m happy to say most of them have remained a friend. That said I have a lot of friends I’ve never met, and most likely never will meet, but I still consider them a friend.

    In the physical world I am not as sociable as I used to be, which wasn’t a lot to begin with. These days I’m limited by health issues, so there’s a lot of planning involved. I’m thankful for my online friends because there are times when I know I would be extremely isolated were it not for them.

    For well over ten years I’ve belonged to a Yahoo group of crocheters, the core members are my friends. Some I’ve met, others I’ve spoken to on the phones, some I’ve had no contact beyond emails and online messages. We exchange birthday and Christmas cards, speak almost daily online and enjoy being a big group of friends. It is a comfort and a joy to know I can reach out to them at anytime.

    There are some people on this site I call friends, people I’ve interacted with for a few years. I hope to find more. I’m a bit socially inept online as well…I tend to forget voice inflection is not a part of the script in my head which sometimes leads to my written words being received in a far different manner than I meant for them to be.

    If this question had been proposed a dozen or so years ago I would have thought it impossible to maintain relationships without physically being there. Now I know different. And it is good.

  11. slksfca

    …reading everyone’s experiences and thoughts. I identify with so much of what’s being said here. And THAT just reinforces the feeling of community, doesn’t it? 🙂

  12. princesspat

    I had never really used a computer and was feeling very isolated when I ventured online in 2006…..and just look at how rich my life is now! I’ve become somewhat computer literate, but more importantly my respect for my very real online friends and my opportunity to make new friends grows every day.

    All of you who have supported me through my challenge with BCH know how important you will always be to me. Thank you!

     

  14. kishik

    a relationship that started when we were 10 years old, began as a letter writing exchange.  My cousin was friends with her (they lived down the block from one another) and while my cousin was going on a trip with her parents for the entire summer, she somehow decided that her friend and I should keep each other company while she was gone by us writing letters to one another.  Of course, this is all before the age of the internet.  ðŸ™‚

    And that’s when letter writing was the only way to communicate… unless you wanted your parents to flip out because you’re on the phone all the time.

    We wrote for about 6 months before finally being able to meet one another when I went to stay with my cousin (after her return from her trip).  And you know, that friendship has gone through thick and thin, lots of distances as we grew up and moved around… and we actually grew closer to one another than we did with my cousin as we all grew into adulthood.

    I think that sometimes you just “click” with people… and even if it’s just through words – either by pen or typing through the intertubes.

    I did meet someone from dkos in real life – and I felt like we knew each other so closely as we made exchanges for so many years.  He already felt like an old friend!!  What was funny is that his partner came along and joined him as we met – apparently his partner was telling him… What if she’s an ax murderer??!!!

    😉

  15. plf515

    I LOVE THE INTERNET!

    Let’s see some of the things NVLD makes hard for me in face to face talk

    1) I am bad at body language, tone of voice, facial expression and many of  the other nonverbal aspects of language.

    2) I tend to interrupt.

    3) I have trouble focusing on a person’s face while listening to them.

    just to name three

    On the other hand, like many with NVLD, I am good with words. (OUCH! I hurt my shoulder patting myself on the back!) but, putting modesty aside, I have a larger than average vocabulary, I can spell well, and, while I make no claims to be an English stylist, I know how to make my verbs agree with my subjects.

    I am also a facile writer.

    None of what I’m bad at matters on the net and all of what I’m good at DOES matter.  

  16. Portlaw

    from a long grueling day that ended with a visit to my accountant to do my tAxes. That’s a long introduction to saying that I wish I were more together to respond to this diary.I’m really wrecked so grant me forgiveness! My first internet experience was with an AOL message board where everyone fought over a Cuban child, Elian Gonzalez. Not sure if anyone of you even remember who he was. I heard of him when I was in a bar in Australia and became hooked on the story. I still write to a few from those days, remember their birthdays and send frantic emails if I haven’t heard from them in a week. I find, now, that I look at the sites I follow, Here and the Orange, first thing in the morning to see how everyone is. If I read that someone is in trouble I worry through the day.I love the fact that there are these webs stretching all over the continent connecting us. I find it a miracle.

  17. kirbybruno

    My friends that I made online are as close to me as any irl, in fact I am sure they know me better. I am o lucky to have met them, they are the first people that I go to with news good and bad, and I have gotten together with a group of them a couple of times already even though I live outside of Chicago and they are spread out to both coasts.

    This line in your tip jar about people not knowing your socially inept is spot on!  Plus, chatting inline doesn’t seem as draining as in person, plus if you really aren’t up to seeing anyone, you just don’t go online. No feelings hurt, no excuses to be made.

    Really great diary thanks!

    Oh yeah, it was a great pleasure meeting you, trs and kidlet in person!!

  18. Khloe

    cry ((Iriti)). I can’t imagine my life without Kelley, Iriti, JanFab, and so many others. My world would be so much less without you. You give me love and hope!

  19. ChurchofBruce

    in the erotica writing gig, I made a whole lot of friends that started out as fans of my writing. Some I have met in person, but most I have not. I still consider a number of them close friends.

    My daughter has never met her girlfriend. (This will change in November). It started purely online, but it now includes phone. She’s 17, so it’s not easy. But she has a sense of humor about it. She told me someone asked her if she was a virgin, and she said, “Only if you don’t count phone sex.” 🙂

  20. wordsinthewind

    if it weren’t for my online friends I would have to drive several hundred miles to have intelligent conversation and I would feel lonely out here. I like being able to enjoy our lovely weather and splendid lack of too much of anything and still have the one thing that is truly lacking. The people aren’t bad but they are so committed to keeping change at bay that I get impatient with them.

  21. Cheryl Kopec

    I’ve had many online friends. One of my FB friends — not a particularly close friend, really — came to my computer class for the first time yesterday. I was setting up the room and there he was, just another stranger, I thought. I invited him to grab a seat and get comfy while I finished setting up my gear. Then he said, “I’m Woody.” And all of a sudden, I knew him. In fact, I knew a lot about him, more than I knew about some of the folks who’ve been coming for a while. I knew how he spends his time, that he’s homeless by choice and a tireless activist. I knew many of his political views and what he finds important, funny, interesting, etc. I even knew pretty much his level of computer skills.

    This wasn’t the first time this kind of thing has happened, but it was the most recent. It really helps break down a lot of barriers when you realize that the person you’ve just “met” is really someone you’ve known online.

    Also, online interaction gets much deeper, much quicker. People share things from their heart and with brutal honesty rather than fiddling around the edges with social niceties. I “know” many of my FB-only friends better than I know most of the people in the church I went to for two years. Yeah, you worship together, you go to coffee hour together and talk about how tasty the banana bread is and how you wish the weather were different, and it rarely gets any deeper than that. Online, it’s the opposite.

    Good diary, great topic!

  22. blue jersey mom

    Of course, on line friendships are real. They are especially important when our families can be hundreds and even thousands of miles away. My only living relative (other than my kids and my husband) is my sister, and she lives in Kalamazoo.

    I love social media because I can keep up with people I knew years (and even many decades) ago. I have Facebook friends from grade school, high school, college, Girl Scout camp, and many of my former field crews. If you had asked me 10 years ago, I probably would have said that I was unlikely to hear from any of these folks ever again. I love seeing pictures of my tent-mate from Girl Scout camp (in 1964 and 1965) with her grandkids.  

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