I am not wholly certain that I remember how to write a diary at this point, but there’s been so much staggering wingnuttiness of late that I just couldn’t let all the lulz pass by without comment. I also figured I might as well remind you guys that, despite my frequent absences, I am still watching them (and YOU).
Let the lulz begin.
[Note: Editors/Admins: Please do not FP this, as it is immature and full of nawty language, and there are far worthier diaries currently gracing our front page.]
A boner Boehner in hand is worth two in the bush. (Could that possibly sound any worse?)
So the GOP has retaken the House (not lulzy), and we all saw John Boner getting weepy and verklempt (pretty lulzy) during his drunken acceptance speech that night. What’s so amusing about this to me, however, is that apparently Boner has a pretty well established record of sobbing in front of large audiences – a record, in fact, that our beloved Nancy Pelosi was not hesitant to point out during an interview with the NYT’s Deborah Solomon:
Solomon: What about John Boehner, the Ohio Republican who is expected to succeed you as House speaker in January? Did you see him tearing up on election night as he addressed his supporters?
Pelosi: You know what? He is known to cry. He cries sometimes when we’re having a debate on bills. If I cry, it’s about the personal loss of a friend or something like that. But when it comes to politics – no, I don’t cry. I would never think of crying about any loss of an office, because that’s always a possibility, and if you’re professional, then you deal with it professionally.
Solomon: O.K., but you could admit to having deep emotions about your setback in the House.Pelosi: I have deep emotions about the American people. If I were to cry for anything, I would cry for them and the policies that they’re about to face.
Thank you yet again, Nancy. <3
For your spiteful pleasure:
And this is a perfecto edit – seriously, to those of you who don’t watch clips…. You watch it too (don’t worry, it’s short)!
Moar on Beck’s Nazi fetish.
It seems the ever-distinguished drooling dickdrizzleTM (thanks Kysen) hasn’t yet let up on the Nazi rhetoric. At the moment it’s “puppet master” George Soros who’s the primary target, and I know no educated, balanced person could miss the perversity of this kind of commentary. Keith bitches righteously, as usual:
Now, look. I could probably be one of the cool kids and make a Beck/Hitler comparison, since those Hitler analogies are so in vogue these days. But I don’t want to read all the bitchy comments about Godwin’s Law, so I’m going to refrain. Besides, I think any patriotic, god-fearing, flag-waving American would take things a step führer further at this point. And here’s the thing:
I’ve been paying a lot of attention to Beck over the last couple of years, and I’ve noticed something fairly disturbing. Now PLEASE — PLEASE understand. I don’t even want to do this. I don’t WANT to be the harbinger of truth. This is a curse, not a gift.
But someone has to do this.
Look, I took every letter in Beck’s name, Glenn Lee Beck, and looked at their corresponding numbers. I noticed that when you add all of those numbers up, the sum is 95. Now I NEED you to think about the significance of that number. Think about 95 from a historical perspective. Now from what I understand, Peter was chosen as the first Pope — the foundation upon which the Christian church would be built. Matthew 16:19, guys. It’s that simple. Jesus said to Peter, “And I will give unto thee the keys of the kingdom of heaven: and whatsoever thou shalt bind on earth shall be bound in heaven: and whatsoever thou shalt loose on earth shall be loosed in heaven.” That’s the Catholic church, folks — the one True church.
Now…
**starts choking up**
And I could totally be barking up the wrong tree here. Seriously, you don’t HAVE to listen to me. I’m just an American, a common sort of gal. You know, typical “red, white & blue,” burger-scarfing, debt-holding MURKAN. But I’m just saying… I mean, 95? Seriously?
And who was the heretical rat bastard who challenged the Holy Catholic Church in 1517? Martin Luther, with his godforsaken 95 Theses. Christ… am I the only one who sees these things??? WHY? So who else challenges God and His church? I dunno… could it be…..
SATAN?!?!
And that’s not all. 95 is also the atomic number of the element americium, which was named after the AMERICAS, and Glenn Beck’s whole shtick is designed to make him look like the most AMERICAN American in all of America!
Coincidence? Could be. But I find it pretty suspicious, don’t you?
But that’s not even the half of it, guys. Take 95 and multiply it by 7 because 7 is believed to be the holiest number in the Bible. Do you know what you get? 665. Yes. I’m not even kidding. The mind reels to think of the implications of this. Because take it a step further, and here’s the thing: The most important Commandment is the first, which states, Thou shalt have no other gods before me (Exodus 20:3).
Now SEE HERE —
**gets more verklempt**
Add 1 — the MOST important Commandment — God’s PRIMARY RULE — to the numbers we got from Beck’s name, 665. And my God… what do you get? Oh I think you know. It’s THE number. 666. That’s right. By my calculations, Beck is the Beast of which Revelation speaks.
**sobs hysterically**
Look, look, I’m not SAYING “Glenn Beck is Satan” — this is all just food for thought. Why do I always have to be the bearer of these truths?
**facepalms**
Oh, errrrr… and by the way, if you take all the straight lines out of the letters of Glenn Beck’s name and rearrange them psychotically, you get a freakin’ swastika. Just sayin’ — I mean, I’m not gonna travel that road. I think I’m above that. It’s not like Glenn Beck’s purported flatulence in any way links him to, you know, Hitler with all of his gastrointestinal problems. Sure, there’s no coincidence, no irony, no similarity there. It’s just one of those things, right? People who can’t stop farting in public have nothing in common.
Oh, how did this get here?!
Really, this is so immature.
I swear I didn’t look this up after making baseless allegations that Glenn Beck is a compulsive farter.
Somehow this just plopped itself right into the diary.
Oh well, no sense in editing something as silly as this, is there?
And Jon Stewart’s back at it with another spot-on impersonation of Beck.
Sex is bad, mmmmkay?
I may be a curmudgeon in thinking that Bristol Palin, an unwed and only-recently-no-longer-teen mother, is a poor choice for advocating chastity. I know, I know — some of the best public speakers on the subject of abstinence are probably former teen mothers who have have learned their lesson.
I really don’t care — I find Bristol Palin’s sanctimonious act to be a load of hypocritical, holier-than-thou bullshit.
Life is not an after school special, and attempting to inject impractical moral mandates into “hip” pop culture scenarios strikes me as vacuous, pointless, and laughable — particularly so when promoted by a woman who is only famous because her mother was made legendary by her extraordinary incompetence and frequent public embarrassment, and whose seemingly undiagnosed Tourette’s Syndrome manifests itself in the form of a twitchy sort of wink and an accent that would inspire some to take ice picks to their ears.
But let’s put Bristol’s embarrassing performances on Dancing With the Stars aside…
Well, we’ll put it aside in just a minute. But first, because I just can’t help myself — Bristol in a monkey suit, dancing to one of the most offensive songs ever written:
God, that’s obnoxious. Raise your hands if you hate me for posting it.
And yet, somehow, this is more humiliating still:
Honestly, I don’t have a whole lot to say about that. I will admit that I threw up in my mouth a little as I watched — and couldn’t make it through the entire clip — but maybe that’s too much information?
Hi Mooseseses! I have missed you guys.
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