Motley Moose – Archive

As we continue to try to come to terms with the bombings in Boston and the other suggestions of ongoing terrorism, there are practical things that you can do right now to empower yourself and your loved ones.

I invite you to add your own suggestions to this list, as it’s not intended to be comprehensive, just a starting point for discussion.

1. Ensure that everyone in your household is carrying current identification and emergency contact information. While you might have a driver’s license, college ID, or other form of identification, it’s of little use in an emergency in terms of reaching your loved ones. I’ve created my own emergency cards as a Word document that I print and “laminate” using clear tape. They contain my name, two points of contact (each with telephone and e-mail) and a request that they be contacted in case of emergency. If you don’t want to divulge home addresses, that’s fine. Keep these emergency cards current! If your contact has new phone or e-mail due to a job change, unemployment, or move, make yourself and your family new cards with the new information. Make sure that you and your loved ones carry these ID cards on their person!

2. Sign up for a First Aid and/or CPR class. While it’s great to be surrounded by capable first responders, there may come a time when you could make the difference between life and death for someone in an emergency, or even in the course of daily life. Even in non-terror-related circumstances (someone choking at a barbeque, bee stings, summertime swimming pool mishaps, etc.), your ability to respond calmly (even just to know to call 911) can be vitally important. If you’ve had these classes before, it might be wise to take a refresher, as methodologies for CPR have changed over time, and everyone can benefit from reminders on first aid techniques.

3. Avail yourself of useful apps to stay connected with loved ones. When cell phone lines are down or clogged with traffic, you’ll want other means of staying in touch. Apps like Life360 can show you where your loved one (or at least their phone) is located at any given moment. Social media sites allow you to post updates that will keep your contacts apprised of your status during an emergency. Text messages can often get through when phone calls cannot, and they provide a record of time of contact. Do not, do not, repeat: do NOT text and drive! We have enough carnage without you getting into an accident.

4. Develop and rehearse a family, household, or business plan for emergency situations. Discuss ideas with the people you need to contact, and suggest ways to contact each other and – if necessary – meet at a designated location. The plans can provide for various situations: severe weather, terrorism, natural disasters, medical emergencies. Rehearse the plan with occasional drills. Kids can be a great help in designing these plans, and it’s empowering for them to take on a proactive role. They’re also more likely to embrace a plan that they helped to create.

5. Program important phone numbers into your mobile phone. Numbers for your local police, fire, poison control, doctor’s office, and all your key contacts. You can also designate a contact as “ICE” (In Case of Emergency” that someone can dial if you’re unable to use your phone. Make sure that your kids, family members, friends, and co-workers have YOUR current phone number programmed into their phones.

6. Talk with your family, friends, and business associates. Chances are, they’re worried, but they’re also resourceful people who can contribute good ideas. Share your own ideas in the comments below, and see how others are preparing themselves whatever lies ahead. We’re all in this together!

[cross-posted from Teh Orange]

 

Actually, the GOP version is only about 6,000 years

[Cross-posted from Teh Orange]

It’s not easy being green a GOPasaur. All signs points to their individual and collective extinction, yet they still walk the Earth, seemingly oblivious to their fate, unable to see what any sentient creature could see: it’s so over. The planet, it seems, is moving on without them and they’re left to ponder the cruel vicissitudes of fate. For surely, it must just be fate, right?? It couldn’t have been anything that they said or did, could it??

Like young children, taking to heart their teachers’ threats that their latest malfeasance would be etched in stone on their Permanent Record, GOPasaurs live in perpetual dread that their crimes, misdeeds, ethical lapses, and offhand remarks about female reproduction. Unfortunately (for them), while their witless song may have ended, the malady lingers on, thanks to the preservative properties of the fossil record.

Thus is is with unalloyed joy that some of our paleo-pals have discovered a solution to their extinction fears, a way to wipe the slate clean of their missteps and recast themselves in ways that the votersaurs will find appealing, even irresistable. Follow along below the Gobi Desert Easter Egg for the Rest of the Story…  

Are you a NERD?  I know that I am, and I have my suspicions about some of your moosies! However, as an empiricist, I realize that nerdiness, like many other human qualities, is often a matter of degrees. Not the sort of degrees one gets in college, mind you, but something that can be measured, allowing us to compare ourselves on a continuum.

With this in mind, I have resurrected the Nerd Quotient Test from my files. I cannot claim authorship of this document, but remain profoundly grateful that a fellow geologist shared it with me many years ago. You may notice that some of the questions are a bit dated. Please feel free to adapt them to your circumstances and prevailing technologies.

Test scoring:  Each question is in two parts.  If you answer “yes” to the first part, give yourself one point.  If you answer “yes” to the second part, give yourself an extra two points.  The total number of points determines your percentage of nerdiness, up to 100%.  You already have a head start of one point just for reading this far.  If you stop now without taking the test, add 99 points.

1. Has anyone ever called you a nerd?  Did you take it as a compliment?

2. Have you ever taken a course in statistics or calculus?  As an elective?

3. Do people ask you for definitions or synonyms for difficult words?  Even when they have a dictionary or thesaurus within reach?

4. Do you (or did you) sit in the front row at school most of the time?  And arrive early to get the best seat?

5. Have you ever used a “system” for taking class notes?  Did you create that system yourself?

6. Were you tormented in high school (stuffed into a toilet, made to wear “kick me” signs, etc.)  by the jocks?  By other nerds?

7. Do you know Avogadro’s number?  Did you ever put it on the back of an athletic shirt thinking it would be funny?

8. Do you use a computer for four hours or more every day?  Including weekends?

9. Do you prefer computers to humans?  Including the person with whom you are having an intimate relationship?

10. Did the phrase “intimate relationship” make you blush?  Or did you wonder what qualifies as an intimate relationship?

11. Have you ever owned a Star Trek gizmo (tricorder, fake ears, ship model, etc.)?  And a uniform?

12. Can you outline the plot of six or more Star Trek episodes?  Do you ever come up with script alternatives because “Spock would never say that?

13. Have you ever taken Latin?  Do you enjoy using it in everyday conversation?

14. Have you ever told a joke about chemistry or physics?  Did most or all of your friends get it?

15. Do you attend parties where most of the guests have advanced science degrees?  Do you host them?

16. Have you ever analyzed a fake food (Twinkies, Cheez Whiz, etc.) for chemical content? And then eaten it?

17. Do you have a pet ferret, iguana, alligator, tarantula, or snake?  Did you name your pet after a Nobel laureate?

18. Have you played Dungeons & Dragons in the last year?  With the same people you’ve played with for two years or more?

19. Can you convert Fahrenheit to Centigrade in your head?  Do you find yourself doing so unconsciously?

20. Is your SAT math score 600 or more?  Is it higher than your SAT verbal score?

21. Do you own a T-shirt with a picture of Einstein on it?  Do you wear it with a suit?

22. Do you wear button-down shirts with the tails out?  Over shorts?

23. Do you wear glasses?  Do they change colors outdoors?

24. Do you have a slide rule?  And know how to use it?

25. Do you know what a font is?  Do you know what font you’re reading now?

26. Have you ever owned a chemistry set?  Since the age of 12?

27. Have you ever browsed through Radio Shack?

On a date?

28. Do you wear a digital watch?  With built-in calculator?

29. Have you ever read the dictionary or encyclopedia for fun? Cover to cover?

30. Do you play chess?  Do you read books about chess?

31. Do you own a pocket protector?  Are you wearing it now?

32. Do you have friends on the Internet?  Are they your best friends?

33. Is your IQ a) greater than your weight, or b) constant to your weight in the same ratio as your eyeglass prescription over pi?  Did you actually try, even for just a moment, to calculate the answer to that question?

There are no unacceptable outcomes on this test, nor is it an accurate predictor of your success in any nerd-related endeavors. It’s simply intended for your own amazement, so feel free to post your Nerd Quotient in the comments, annotated with footnotes, supplemented with supporting documentation, and peer reviewed.  

Seismometers across the continental plate reverberated as previously-thought-to-be-extinct Onepercentasaur Brontosaurus romneii emerged from one of his well-appointed caves to grace the world with his witless utterances. With the onset of the paleosequester, this unwelcome political behemoth felt it necessary to return to the miasmic swamps of political life to point out that, had he eluded electoral extinction, Things Would Be So Much Better. This insipid viewpoint was amplified by B. romneii’s mate, Dressageasaurus cruella, whose vocalization – like nails on a Cretaceous chalkboard – continue to jangle the nerves of all organisms in the drainage basin.

“If only”, they sigh, in carefully rehearsed unison, “we had been the chosen ones. All of this awfulness could have been avoided.” Indeed. Awfulness of an altogether different sort would have pervaded the land, or at least 47 percent of the land. Latinosaurs would be stampeding in throes of self-deportation. Venturecapitasaurs would be driving workers into the streets while expanding their vast offshore caverns to accomodate still more wealth. The cries of the unemployed, the impoverished, the elderly, and the ill would reverberate across the land. All the while, B. romneii’s dynastic wealth would grow to proportions that would cause serious global tectonic disruption.

When last we heard from these two, they were licking their wounds after the painful realization that all their grand evening of fireworks and victory toasts had come crashing down around them. Indeed, the only joy of that dark night came from the immediate termination of employment of B. romneii’s campaign staff, and the concurrent cancellation of their credit cards, stranding them far from home. Yes, good times, but alas, over all too soon.

As fellow GOPasaurs engaged in the gnashing of teeth, self-loathing, and blamestorming that has become their hallmark, B. romneii and D. cruella slunk away in the night, never to be heard from again, until now, when their vocalizations have resumed, fueled by a heady mixture of righteous indignation and denial. Follow along below the coprolite horizon for The Rest of the Story…  

When the monsignor shows up at your door early on a Saturday morning along with an Army officer, bad news is sure to follow. So it was that my former mother-in-law learned of the accidental electrocution of her husband. He’d gotten up that morning, just like any morning, except that this was a weekend, and a busy weekend at that. He had been working at the nearby Air Force Base, preparing for an influx of visitors on Armed Forces Day. Whether he’d kissed his wife or any of his six children goodbye that early morning in the 1960’s is one detail of the story that I will never know.

What began as a typical day for this suburban Irish Catholic family turned into a tragedy with generations-long repurcussions. For nearly 20 years, these people were my in-laws, the family of my now ex-husband. I never met the man who would have been my father-in-law. He was killed when my ex-husband was 15, the second oldest of his family, but now the de facto male head of household.

My would-have-been father-in-law was working on something electrical, and had shut off the asociated circuit breaker, as was the accustomed practice. His colleague and best friend showed up at the Base shortly thereafter, and noticed that the circuit breaker for this necessary equipment required for the day’s activities was in the “off” position. He turned it on, instantly electrocuting his best friend, widowing his wife, and leaving six children from 6 months to 17 years of age without a father.

As you’d expect, my mother-in-law was overwhelmed by the loss. The older kids in the family did their best to step up and take care of the younger ones. With the help of friends, parish members, and extended family, she learned to drive, and to take on the role of both mother and father. This was just a few years before my ex-husband, tired of waiting for his draft notice from the Army, enlisted in the Marines and headed to Vietnam. Until then, he was living at home, working full time after graduating high school, and looking after his younger siblings while his older sister was in college.

His father’s best friend, the man whose simple action of throwing a circuit breaker devastated so many lives. This fine family man attempted suicide on more than one occasion, an act that would have left his own five children fatherless, another woman widowed. Even that prospect was not enough to quell his desire to extinguish his anguish and his life. In the end, he lived on to the terminus of his natural life, no doubt a broken man, unable to face or comfort the widow and family left to mourn the loss that he had precipitated.

How could this have been prevented? Follow along below for the rest of the story.  

There comes a time in the life of many or us realize that we must evolve in order to survive and thrive in the days, months, and years ahead. The skills and coping mechanisms that propelled  us to our present crossroads will not suffice for the rigors of the road ahead. Ideally, we realize this before someone beats us upside the head with our deficiencies, and advises us to evolve, now, or else. With the benefit of time, we enjoy the luxury of introspection and self-direction.

For some of us, this realization comes in childhood when we begin to understand that the world for which our parents prepared us is a much nicer and simpler place than the world we actually inhabit. My parents, for example, felt that most challenges in life could be overcome by intellect and critical thinking, grounded in a solid appreciation of music, literature, and art.

All that’s of very little use, however, when the schoolyard bully extorts your milk money, day after day, or when the high-school bully demands that you orient your exam paper so that they can cheat off it. It’s also of little use when the demons of depression take hold of your youthful spirit and fill you with suicidal thoughts.

When we’re old enough to see where our life is headed, we’re also old enough to begin our own preparations. Under the critical eye of a strict and controlling parent, however, we learn to be circumspect in our evolution. One by one, we pull the threads from the tapestry woven by our parents and teachers, replacing it with more utilitarian or decorative that better suits our character and our destiny.

Over time, the entire tapestry evolves to something vastly different. On any given day, though, there’s little evidence of any change at all. Our machinations go undiscovered. Yet we’ve slipped our collars, shaken the dust out of our fur, and left that back yard far behind. We’re off on our own now, and ready for the scary world out there.

In my case, the evolution was from book smarts to street smarts, from sadness and fear to wit and grit, from follower to leader. It has taken  quite a long time, half a century so far. admittedly not long in geologic time, but certainly a slow transition in human time. I’m still a work in progress…  I hope. I’m still learning how to be a grandparent, a business owner, a southerner, and a retiree.

I’m grateful to whatever people and forces sparked my desire to make the changes that have brought me this far inspired me to continue the journey of self actualization. If a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step, surely we owe some credit to anyone who helped us to take that step.

Well, happy Monday morning, Yahoo employees. Looks like your telecommuting days have come to an end.

Silicon Valley firms are known for cushy perks: free food, bringing your dog to work and so on. But starting in June, Yahoo employees will lose the benefit of working from home. According to an internal memo leaked on Friday to The Wall Street Journal’s AllThingsD.com by numerous disgruntled Yahoo employees, the new policy calls for workers “physically being together.”

“We need to be working side-by-side. That is why it is critical that we are all present in our offices… Speed and quality are often sacrificed when we work from home,” reads the memo from Jacqueline Reses, a private equity veteran brought on board by Mayer in September to be the company’s HR boss.

You can always count on those humorless “Human” Resources folks to rain on the parade with their one-size-fits all policies. They don’t worry much about the “human” side of things. That’s why you hear them referring to “humans” as “talent”. They’re into “talent acquisition”, “talent management”, and “talent development”. Then, at the end of your “talent life cycle”, there’s “talent disposal”. When your “HR” people aren’t even part of your own organization, they’re free to do their best work, unconstrained by the possibility of having actually met (or – heaven forbid – become attached to) the employees.

For anyone who thought that CEO Marissa Mayer would continue the generally people-friendly policies of her previous workplace (Google), you can kiss that sh*t goodbye. She’s clearly focused on the bottom line, and if you’re not riding the profitability bus to the end of the line with her, you’d best get off right now.

Ms. Mayer is clearly a business-first type of person, having returned to work as the CEO within a few weeks of giving birth. Then again, she has the resources to enable her to do so. Most of us don’t have a nanny, housekeeper, errand person, personal shopper, dog walker, or other domestic staff on our payroll.

She’s also shrewd enough to realize that the best way to make the bottom line look better in the near term is to cut costs. The biggest costs are usually those pesky employees. Laying them off, though, is a costly business, what with severance pay and all that paperwork. However… if you can get them all to quit on their own out of anger, frustration, and resentment, it’s a work of pure genious.

As a veteran of 37 years in corporate America, and veteran telecommuter, your intrepid diarist has a few ideas about this misbegotten Yahoo plan. Follow along below for more…

While many yearn for peace on Earth, I would be content with a few minute, hours, or days of peace and quiet. We inhabit a world of noise, disturbance, and distress, bidden and unbidden. Even if we can shut off the radio, television, lawn care guys with leaf-blowers, planes overhead, trains/buses/cars outside, the clacking of office machines and household appliances, the audiovisual assault of video games, jackhammers, barking dogs (not those belonging to you moosies, of course), beeping gadgets alerting us, and other threats to sanity, there’s still the inner noise of our thoughts and fears.

What if we could just shut it all off, even for an hour or two?

Today, I’d like to provide you noise-stressed moosies with an armchair journey to the Island of Silence for some peaceful contemplation.

Situated in the Piedmont of Italy, the Island of Silence is a short trip from Milan.

While the larger lakes like Lago Como and Lago Maggiore get a lot of tourist action, the smaller Lago D’Orta is considered by many to be the most beautiful of the bunch.

The Island of Silence is properly known as Isola San Giulio, seen here from nearby Orta San Giulio.

San Giulio, for whom the place (Orta) and the island (Isola) are named, springs from an interesting legend http://www.kuriositas.com/2011… (this site has some beautiful photos you might want to check out)

Legend has it that St Guilio (or Julius of Novara in English) founded his one hundredth church here in the fourth century AD. It is just west of the charming village of Orta San Giulio (also named after Julius of Novara). The island was the lair of a giant serpent, which used the island as a launch pad to attack local villages. Yet St Guilio arrived and with his ability to command the waves he journeyed over the water on his cloak and banished the creature from the island.

Mmmm… okay. The good news is that you moosies that worry about snakes should have one less thing to concern yourselves with. Really, there is hardly any room for snakes, as the island is only 275 meter

If you never made it to Isola San Giulio, that would be a shame, but Orta San Giulio is a fascinating and beautiful place on the shore.

Even the cats are relaxed and stress-free in Orta San Giulio, as this much-posted photo can attest:

Once you’ve had a stroll around Orta San Giulio, it’s only a short boat trip to Isola San Giulio, which will further add to your newly relaxed state of mind. The actual boat is only a little bigger than this one, with a trolling motor, but this one is much prettier, so please forgive my capitulation to aesthetics over technical accuracy.

Once you step onto Isola San Giulio, you can see that space is at a premium. Every available bit of land – and overhead space – has been built upon, always with attention to form and function.

You’ll also begin to feel a sense of calm as you walk the ancient roads and paths and take in the beauty of the buildings. Everything on the island is built of stone. Clearly, it wasn’t transported in those charming little boats that transport visitors to the island. Something tells me that there might have been some less than contemplative utterances in the course of all that construction work.

Anchoring the island is the Basilica San Giulio:

The current edifice is the culmination of centuries of construction, as is often the case with churches and wealthy patrons keen on outdoing their predecessors:

After St Giulio’s death a small chapel was erected on the island in the fifth century (this was after the Christian religion was decriminalized by the powers that be in Rome and persecution had ended). Archeology has revealed a much bigger church there in the sixth century.

A baptistery was also established in the middle of the island at about the same time. Yet in the nineteenth century a seminary was built there, erasing any record of its existence. For the last three decades it has been a Benedictine monastery. There is an air of peace over the entire island, perhaps because of the presence of this contemplative institution.

The pathways that ring the island and weave through these venerable buildings form the Way of Silence, and visitors are encouraged to STFU observe appropriate silent and contemplative demeanor befitting the monsastic surroundings. It’s well worth the effort to do so.

Perhaps you have your own Island of Silence available within travel distance – a place in the woods, the mountains, on a lake, or just in your mind. Spend some time there whenever you can. It’s as important to your physical and mental health as fresh air, healthy food, and a good night’s sleep. There’s plenty of room in that little boat for all you moosies if you’re willing to squish together for a wonderful journey.  

I managed to sneak these limericks into the State of the Union liveblogging tsunami of comments over at The Place That Shall Not Be Named. Thought you might enjoy this alternative account of the festivities 😉

Speaker Boehner: hey, what’s up with him?

The orange fellow is looking quite grim

As his caucus rebels

He develops new “tells”

Will he ever prevail? Odds are slim.

All the others seem happy enough

(Then they’re made of less lachrymose stuff)

Boehner always seems blue

And can weep right on cue

I am guessing tonight will be rough.

Poor Paul Ryan; the kid looks upset

Like he just lost a costly bar bet

When your world turns to sh*t

Just call up Uncle Mitt

All your worries he’ll help you forget.

Mitch McConnell stares out into space

With a vacuous look on his face

All expression he lacks

Like a man carved of wax

No museum? He looks out of place.

What’s with Biden? He looks awful pale

Tonight’s make-up was really a “fail”

Let’s just hope he’s alright

And not ailing tonight

‘Cause we need Fightin’ Joe to assail!

This applause for each line’s getting old

Yes, I know, these proposals are bold

But it’s not overreach

To just lay out a speech

Before all these hot ideas grow cold.

Just imagine if Mitt gave this speech

We’d be watching with one painful screech

We’d be screaming in pain

As he sold out to Bain

But tonight he’s on Cayman’s white beach.

Manufacturing! Yesss! Tell us more!

Now Obama’s got programs in store

To bring jobs back again

For our women and men

It’s a message we cannot ignore.

Infrastructure! It’s time to get real!

Crumbling bridges? Let’s move on that deal!

Weatherize every home

Be it bung’low or dome

Help our kids get a good school-day meal!

Education from preschool for all!

What about it? Let’s answer the call!

Our investment return

As our kids really learn

Will have all of our folks standing tall!

Go to college (you won’t be a snob!)

It’s essential for any good job

We’ll help parents to find

Which school won’t be a grind

To help cute little Cindy or Bob

Immigration? More boots on the ground!

We need people – ideas will abound!

Send me up the damn bill

Don’t waste time on the Hill!

And enough with your whimpering sound!

When you live in this challenging age

You can’t get by on minimum wage

In the land of the brave

You’re a lowly wage slave

That is really a dreadful outrage!

Many troops will return from afar

Well, the generals look like they are

Feeling sad to hear that

But peacetime’s where it’s at

I’ll buy them the first round at the bar!

Now it’s freedom, for folks the world o’er

As we travel to each distant shore

As Commander in Chief

It’s Obama’s belief

That although we’ve done much, there’s still more.

Equal treatment for all, straight or gay!

And yet Boehner just sits, ashen gray

As he seethes in his seat

In his squirmy defeat

Face it, orangeman: today’s a new day

Gun control: now it’s time we get real

This is really a simple appeal

Since the Newtown dark day

Many more passed away

Like Hadiya, so folks: here’s the deal

It’s past time for the Congress to act

On the measures that Gabby has backed

For the families who’ve cried

We are here by your side

We must feel your deep pain and react

As the gun carnage stats are rolled out

There is something of which there’s no doubt

Hey: Ted Nugent! You turd

We will not hear one word

Because “hate” is not what we’re about!

Now rebuttals come next, I can’t wait!

First I’ll fix a nice little snack plate

Then I’ll drink to the Prez

And the things that he says

But for GOPers, I won’t stay up late.

Disclaimer: This is purely hypothetical. A true Tea Party “Patriot” would never apologize; they’d simply reload. They’d also have more typographical and grammatical errors if they did write anything. Still…

February 12, 2013

Dear Joanie,

Since we haven’t talked in so long, I was shocked to see you sitting in the very back of the church at Dad’s funeral last week. I wanted to see you, to hold you, to tell you so much, but by the time I got through the crowd, you were gone.  

After that last argument when you walked out after we thanked Fox News in our Thanksgiving prayer, I wasn’t sure I would ever see you and Jamal and the kids again. I know you probably still hate me and you probably don’t ever want to talk to me again, but please at least read this letter before you decide.

Now, with everything that’s happened, I can see why you did what you did. I am so sorry, more sorry than you will ever know, that I got involved with those Tea Party people. They seemed so patriotic. It was like they “got it”. Less taxes? Who wouldn’t want that? Get the government out of our lives? Well, at first I was kind of uneasy about that, with Dad working in the defense industry, but it turns out a bunch of them were in the same sort of situation or on Social Security or disability, and it didn’t seem like it was a problem for them.  

We were all just so worried that the country was going to hell in a handbasket, with all those people out of work and the government just spending and spending and spending. It was like people like us – good upstanding people who worked hard and paid our taxes just kept losing ground to people who were… well, you know.

The people over on Fox were the only ones who made sense out of it. Your Dad was the one who first started watching them he was home from work when he hurt his back. After I started watching it, I just got hooked. Glenn Beck was his favorite. He was the only person smart enough to figure out how all this politics and money and religion stuff was connected, and brave enough to say it. It’s too bad somebody silenced him. Hannity and O’Reilly and the others were okay, though, and after a while, we left the TV on Fox all the time.  

When you screamed at us that “you love Fox more than you love me and the kids!”, I am ashamed to say that you might have been right. I DO love you and Jamal and the kids (and Dad loved you guys too), but you were back east and we hardly ever saw you. I know it sounds stupid now, but Fox was our family.