Motley Moose – Archive

Hot on the heels of two excellent Flashbackgate diaries by Sricki on the Primary Wars, I thought that, in the spirit of sustainability, I would ask you to try to recall the best putdowns, comebacks and flames of those tumultuous times.

Why in the spirit of sustainability? Given the anger and insults that seem to dominate most of the liberal blogosphere in the last two weeks, a lot of these can and have been recycled. Especially the Kool Aid quips. So join in. Recycle some old flames. Come up with something better. All manner of logical fallacies and advanced banter over the flip…

I’ve been collecting these verbal put downs since  January 2008. They don’t cover all the great visual stuff from our own Spiffy, Rage, Michelle, or the wonderful tubes collected by peeps such as Hollede. Some of these may be yours, if so just say. I also hope they don’t just reflect one side of the Primary contest, and I am mortified that I can’t attribute them all…

Verbal insults are an art. Two of my favourite flamers, when it came to pithy putdowns, were Bob Johnson and That Purple Stuff. Bob Johnson is/was famously truculent and acerbic on MYDD and DailyKos, and one that sticks in mind without referring to notes is:

When you’ve finished lying, let me know.

A good riposte should have the parry and thrust of a good epee. Quick and to the heart. TPS put downs were always more surreal and pythonesque, never nasty, but with a frequent reference to ‘turd sandwiches’. I’m pretty sure this was one of his/hers…

Oh My, isn’t the curl on that turd pretty?

Unfortunately, though some more of the following maybe be attributable to TPS, it’s impossible to go far back enough on TPS’s comment section on MYDD, though the visit is well worthwile.

Disappointingly, all of the following one liners are unsourced. My bad. I never thought I would need to attribute. And my excuse is they’re all part of the zeitgeist! I’m sticking to that, although, truth be told, not knowing where lines came from got me in trouble in May when I repeated an impressive line I’d snared:

It’s the Jerk Store calling, and they’re fresh out of you.

Only to be completely befuddled when a friendly poster made the immediate comeback:

“What’s the difference? You’re their all-time best seller.”

I was offended. I didn’t know what to say. This was from a usually friendly blogger. Why was this person picking on me?

Who knew? Who knew? It was a quotation from Seinfeld Episode The Comeback. My proper response, pace George in that episode, should have been:

“Oh yeah? Well I had sex with your wife!”

But I did get my revenge on a famous but rec listed troll on MYDD when I said, in response to another ‘gate’

The words ‘knee’ and ‘jerk’ come to mind, but not in their expected order

Given my continued ignorance on the varieties of joshing in American popular culture, many of lthe lines below may be repeating the obvious.  If you can tap the source, well, bully for you. If you can add something better, bully for all of us.

(PS: And if someone can remember a brilliant putdown about conspiracy etc put into IF/OR computer code, which I somehow seem to have mislaid, there will be a bonus secret prize.)

I’ll separate these favorite flames into themes. Please add your own.

_______________________________________________

PASS THE KOOL AID

Future so bright, I’ve got to wear shades.

Obamabots talk almost as if they’d seen their first rocket launch, the first rainbow, the first live birth.

I’m so sad and disillusioned I’m going to have to go stare at my Obama poster for a while to feel better.

Almost plausible, mainly risible

He didn’t spring whole cloth from the forehead of Zeus an Obama supporter, you know

Dude, I nearly swooned – SWOONED, I tell you – when I saw that. That’s one of my fave Jay-Z joints of all time. HUGE SWIRLING VORTEX OF LOVE. I could not pink-fuzzy-heart Barack one iota more.

Enjoy your virginity, kids! It’s going to last you a lifetime. Oh, and I hope World of Warcraft crashes on you.

You’re going to make my dreams come true. Bring me a million pounds and a rainbow. Get rid on the cellulite on my arse

Have we peaked too early?

(Grim humour at a low point)

I hope Obama fires all of those people and then they get bitten by rabid weasels.

I sure do hope the homes of everyone that votes for Obama gets bulldozed and pushed into Mexico where they all belong

Obama is a bastard. I heard he punches babies in the face as he walks down the street.

I thought he was Moses, come to lead us to the promised land! Damn it, now who’s going to get me manna?

If he had agreed to (another) debate, I think I would have cut my hair off with a paring knife.

READY ON DAY ONE

Experience which now appears to mean “stuck in ruts so deep, you can’t see over the edges.”

First we were a live mouse they played with, then they shook us until we were too stunned to move, then they killed us

Are they trying to blow oxygen on the dying flame of their last hope?

As long as Hillary is playing with her knife collection, she can make Obama bleed.

Because you didn’t win the condo, you’ll torch the neighborhood?

Her campaign seemed to have only two speeds: overconfidence and panic.

Her finger should be on my pulse, but it feels like it’s poking me in the eye.

Is this just something you heard, that Bill heard, that Chelsea overheard in a loud crowded casino?

I have a spasm when I hear the name ‘Clinton.’ For some reason, my hand painfully contorts itself into an L shape and plants itself across my forehead.

If they’re both for real (which I doubt), then one thing’s for sure: they certainly won’t get stuck in heavy traffic, because the rest of the voting public will heading in the opposite direction as fast as they can.

Painting her as the victim of her own candor is taking Impressionism too far.

AND NOT FORGETTING

Nader, who deserves to die in a fiery boating accident, preferably one that I’ve set.

Some things are true even if George Bush believes them.

This is to help Joe (the Plumber) as he worships at the porcelain altar of autobiographical composition.

MANY KINDS OF CRAZY

Carry on like that, and you’re driving me to drink

Now come back to reality, accept this, and move on.

Don’t you feel better already?

We should convert the Kos Diaries into a primal-scream clinic

It’s like head trauma level of crazy over there (at MYDD). I keep expecting some of theM to faint from the lack of oxygen to their brains they’ve been holding their breath and stamping their feet for so long.

In a moment when calm is called for, he sets his hair afire.

You’re two degrees shy of the temperature necessary for self-combustion

You know, it’s like everyone has gone nuts. It’s like everyone has gone crazy. Did they finally dose the water table with LSD?

Did Big Nurse forget your Saturday dose?

Dude, you got to get off that sugar high

The [last poster] is grinding their molars to dust

How’s the weather in Alternate Earth?

Seriously, though, what color is the sky in your world?

If I were to watch the news here in the United States, I’d blow my brains out. It’d drive me nuts.

It’s like King Lear played out in a madhouse with hand puppets.

I’m breaking out my hazmat suit now

EXCLAMATIONS AND SHUT-UPS

I can’t help you man.

(pssst – security…)

Jesus H. Tap-Dancing Christ

To quote the character in Fiddler on the Roof – if that’s a curse then “may the good Lord smite me with it, and may I never recover.”

Silence is golden

Duct Tape is silver

As my grandmother would say, “What do you expect from a pig but a grunt?”

At the end of the day, all he/she had to do was open her mouth for me not to believe him/her

Incorrigible skank-biscuit

My mother use to say never yell, what will you do for an encore?  Yell louder?  Hint Hint Hint

You need to unclench

Great Odin’s Raven!

And Sweet Holy Moses!

“Screw you”

“You can screw me all u want I’ll still be right”

DUMB

After one pulls their head from their ass, it still smells like their ass for a time.

I’d put your IQ on par with that of a sack full of wet mice.

I’d say it got pulled out of a dark and humid place.

Have your ears heard what your mouth has spoken?

Call 911.  You’ve OD’d on STUPID pills. Again.

Can I get a few crackers with that cheese?

Chalk another person up as completely missing the point. Thanks for posting

Does anything that passes through your ears stop somewhere in the middle to be processed?

You’re so incompetent you couldn’t pour pee out of a boot if I wrote the instructions on the heel

Thoughts like that will get your kittens killed

What you’ve just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.

Don’t you ever just slump in front of your keyboard and think, “God, I’m just full of shit”?

METAPHORS REDUX

Ahhh… The pot has arrived to tell us what color all us kettles are!

What is this handbasket? And where am I going in it?

Bottom of Barrel, meet scraper. Scraper, say hello to the bottom of the barrel.

The tea leaves aren’t lying, my friend.

Does it still seem compelling to you when someone else is grasping at your straw

I feel like I’m listening to ten blind men describing the part of the elephant they touched

Life hands you a lemon. Buy a tequila

They’re shooting themselves in the foot…with an uzi.

Time wounds all heels

Sometimes, when you are trapped in a glass house, you have to throw stones coz that’s all you have left if you hope to get out.

You’re so bitter you make tylenol xxxx taste good

OF IDEOLOGUES AND TROLLS

(The person who wrote the op-ed) surely holds the proud honor of being the Dean of Sophistry somewhere

It’s always shocking for reasonable folks to catch an ideologue with his pants down: that usually happens when, drunk with grief, he tries to pee on the turkey because he now knows he won’t get to host thanksgiving for the next four years. Grab and towel and mop up the froth

The Hubble Telescope could not find what he has done, because he has not done it.

Don’t mind the trolls, just remember, never feed them more than small biscuits, or they’ll form a cocoon and breed.

I am just not fluent in concerntrollese.  I know a few words and phrases, but I have a long way to go.

Apparently Brandon is the golden child and all his shit gets a pass.

The pundit-tree is laden with idiot fruit.

The sky is blue, it’s cold in Antarctica, the sun rises in the east and sets in the west, O’Reilly is an asshole…etc.

JUMPING THE SNARK

An irony rich diet can be unhealthy

Have you tried taking vitamins for that humor deficiency?

If he comes and reads all the ridicule in these comments he’s going to go apoplectic and lock himself in his basement and listen to Marilyn Manson while he cries and cuts himself.

You’ll laugh about this later

I’m laughing about it now.

I’ve got a package for you

Is it ticking?

Now it has crossed over into psychedelic cranium-crushing funny.

SPIN AND PROGNOSTICATION

Kristol lies the way other people sweat.

Maybe foresight is an obsolete macrotrend

Keep looking backwards you’ll hit a wall eventually.. 😉

And knowing is half the battle.

(The other half, of course, is violence.)

And you have a time machine to prove this?

Spin like that usually results in loss of altitude and eventual impact with the ground.

Ethics is not the same as optics

If you put a gun to my head and asked me to predict the winner, I would tell you to shoot me.

It’s like advertising your Bran cereal as “asbestos-free”, implying that other cereals in the category might not be.

Man you’re jumping the shark. Again. And the shark is bored

The Soft Bigotry of Low Expectations rears its ugly head.  Try to chew the hype just a little before you start gobbling it down.

Nobody is friends with someone that’s shooting in the dark.

LOGICAL FALLACIES

There are so many unsupported assertions here that I lost count of them all

The only way you could be MORE wrong is if there were TWO of you!

That’s a real stretch. But hey. Stretching is good for you.

Forgive me if I take your analysis with a boulder of salt.

Best. Hypocrite Trap. Ever.

If you’re going to bite on two fallacies, they shouldn’t be opposed, buddy.