Motley Moose – Archive

OMG, it’s almost 2015! January is almost over.

Interrogatories

It’s National Compliment Day! Say some nice things.

But, since it’s also Talk Like a Grizzled Prospector Day, try to say those nice things like a grizzled prospector might. (Why am I imagining early Walter Brennan?)

What is the best use of peanut butter?

Would you know a Justin Bieber song if it grabbed you by the throat and tried to strangle you?

The Twitter Emitter

@lizzwinstead The only thing that can stop a bad teen millionaire with an egg is a good teen millionaire with an egg.

— Thee Alan Smithee (@TheeAlanSmithee) January 23, 2014

This Bieber kid is a great example of the Canadian menace and why we need to shutdown our northern border

— john r stanton (@dcbigjohn) January 23, 2014

A fifth scheduled State of the Union response has just accidentally shot itself.

— David Waldman (@KagroX) January 23, 2014

Every time a conservative describes basic necessities like health care, housing, and food as "sugar", I worry about their insulin levels.

— Amanda Marcotte (@AmandaMarcotte) January 23, 2014

I"d let Beiber go for the DUI then lock him up again for aggravated auto-tune & lip-synching.

— John Fugelsang (@JohnFugelsang) January 23, 2014

I'm fairly certain the GOP strategy is to drown us in stupid until our collective head explodes.

— Imani ABL (@AngryBlackLady) January 23, 2014

I'm not going to talk about Justin Bieber's arrest, because it's obviously a FALSE FLAG by Obama to distract us from Bengahzi.

— Top Conservative Cat (@TeaPartyCat) January 24, 2014

@TeaPartyCat Damn liberal media liars, Bieber wasn't drag racing, he was trying to escape the Obamacare death panels that were pursuing him

— Kerby Forges (@KBR_37) January 24, 2014

If you don't like income inequality, stop whining & buy yourself some Senators.

— John Fugelsang (@JohnFugelsang) January 24, 2014

Interrogatories

It’s National Pie Day, who would you like to see get a pie in the face?

What famous person that you should like (or all your friends like) rubs you the wrong way for no good (or very superficial) reason?

How are your feet? Too big, too little, high arches or flat, easy or hard to fit shoes on? Do you attract foot fetishists?

Do you have any imaginary friends? Did you when you were a child?

The Twitter Emitter

Still trying to understand why someone counting divorce from the time their marriage ended rather than when it was finalized is a scandal.

— Jesse Taylor (@jesseltaylor) January 22, 2014

I'll be plagiarizing all Shia LaBeouf's tweets so I apologize if you see something you wrote.

— John Fugelsang (@JohnFugelsang) January 22, 2014

In my humble opinion, my opinions are the best.

— Stephen Colbert (@StephenAtHome) January 23, 2014

You're against abortion AND birth control coverage. Then I'm not going to ask your opinion on chastity belts.

— LOLGOP (@LOLGOP) January 23, 2014

Calling me pretentious is hardly the ne plus ultra of insults.

— Mr Roger Quimbly (@RogerQuimbly) January 22, 2014

There's actually nothing I can think of about keeping a brain-dead pregnant woman alive as an incubator that comports with "God's plan"

— David Waldman (@KagroX) January 23, 2014

Why send your child to school when we have factories?

— kara vallow (@teenagesleuth) January 23, 2014

The ancient Egyptians stopped worshiping Cats as Gods over 2500 years ago. Nobody told the cats.

— John Fugelsang (@JohnFugelsang) January 22, 2014

So I am going to work out with a trainer until I get back into the gym thing. Guess what his name is? :::drum roll, please::::   DRONE!

No, really.

Interrogatories

What is the answer to “Meow?”

What was your favorite recurring bit on “Laugh-In?”

Are there any childhood games (not board games) that seem to have been forgotten by subsequent generations?

What is your browser and why?

The Twitter Emitter

Today, cold air is stopping Washington from working. Usually it's hot air that does it.

— Peter Flom (@peterflom) January 21, 2014

darmok, when the stores were out of milk #darmokweather

— myownpetard (@myownpetard) January 21, 2014

Thigh Reduction Creme? What the Hell does it do to your fingers when you rub it on?

— John Fugelsang (@JohnFugelsang) January 21, 2014

BREAKING: People of Illinois surprised to learn newly indicted Gov. Bob McDonnell NOT from Illinois.

— Joe Schmitt (@joeschmitt) January 21, 2014

More: "A woman can't be trusted w/ decisions about her own body, but multinat'l corps. can make decisions affecting mankind w/o regulation"

— GottaLaff (@GottaLaff) January 21, 2014

I eagerly await the next Wendy Davis scandal, wherein we learn that sometimes her husband would cook dinner while she mowed the lawn.

— Amanda Marcotte (@AmandaMarcotte) January 21, 2014

I'm a Right Wing Tea Pot, Short and Stout. Here is my outrage, Here is my pout."

— Suzanne Munshower (@expatina) January 22, 2014

Bob McDonnell had a state, E-I-E-I-O

— Ian (@iboudreau) January 22, 2014

I've always admired David Vitter's firm belief that marriage should between a man and a woman who will forgive your prostitution scandals.

— LOLGOP (@LOLGOP) January 22, 2014

Make sure to check on neighbors to be sure they are warm and see if they have better snacks and maybe get their WiFi password if you can.

— pourmecoffee (@pourmecoffee) January 22, 2014

Interrogatories

How much have you, personally, been affected by climate change?

Did you make up secret languages and/or code words as a kid so you could talk in front of others without them understanding? Got any examples you recall?

What is the easiest vice you ever gave up? Why did you give it up?

The Twitter Emitter

I've reached Peak Anonymous Source. Whenever I see one now, I just assume the journalist is lying.

— William K. Wolfrum (@Wolfrum) January 17, 2014

The invisible hand of the market won't even give West Virginians a reach around.

— Karl (@JerryMander) January 18, 2014

Whatever happens is God's will. Except when you're brain dead and pregnant in #Texas. Then God is wrong and we'll put you on life support.

— John (@linnyitssn) January 18, 2014

Common sense is so rare it should be considered a superpower.

— Grumpy Cat (@__GrumpyCat) January 18, 2014

Allowing the #fracking industry to do their own testing is like letting a drunk driver do their own sobriety test. http://t.co/3xn5C8U8vv

— TXsharon (@TXsharon) January 20, 2014

The 85 richest people are as wealthy as the poorest 3.5 billion. And those 85 people would like you to stop punishing success. Thank you.

— LOLGOP (@LOLGOP) January 20, 2014

I’m so glad I don’t write about sports for a living. Too divisive.

— Ana Marie Cox (@anamariecox) January 20, 2014

The same people who say the U.S. is the greatest country on earth hate its President and the majority of its people.

— Chris Dashiell (@cdashiell) January 21, 2014

I don't think you exist.

— God (@TheTweetOfGod) January 21, 2014

"As long as you tweet a quote from me on my holiday, you can ignore my devotion to social justice." - Martin Luther King Jr.

— LOLGOP (@LOLGOP) January 21, 2014

Interrogatories

What is your favorite melty cheese? What do you prefer in your mac and cheese?

Did you ever have a favorite disc jockey? Who, and what station?

What is your favorite department in the department store?

The Twitter Emitter

Olympic athletes of the world, please turn Putin gay. You can do it.

— josh groban (@joshgroban) January 18, 2014

Call me old fashioned but sex should only be between a man and a woman he selected via a televised cattle call sponsored by car companies.

— Rye Silverman (@ryesilverman) January 18, 2014

I will let you fire me from your tech company for $1 million.

— David Waldman (@KagroX) January 18, 2014

No one says these giant severance packages undermine the incentive to work? Create a culture of dependency?

— David Waldman (@KagroX) January 18, 2014

Las Vegas is what would happen if a spam filter came to life

— Megan Amram (@meganamram) January 18, 2014

Chris Christie reviewing plans to divert the Hudson away from Hoboken.

— pourmecoffee (@pourmecoffee) January 19, 2014

Best Ensemble Acting in a Drama award actually should have gone to the 16 Democratic Senators pushing for more sanctions for Iran.

— Greg Mitchell (@GregMitch) January 19, 2014

"I never liked Christie until his scandals showed the media is out to get him." - Actual Republicans

— LOLGOP (@LOLGOP) January 19, 2014

Chris Christie is one more scandal revelation from having to start thinking about the name of his Fox News show.

— LOLGOP (@LOLGOP) January 19, 2014

Bud bowl!!!!! This year it actually means something

— Steve Weinstein (@steveweinstein) January 20, 2014

I'm hearing from sources that Seahawks and Broncos may not be cleared to land at Newark Airport unless they endorse Christie '16

— Will Bunch (@Will_Bunch) January 20, 2014

Interrogatories

Ever purchase vanity plates? What did they say? Did you get your money’s worth of vanity?

Ever sing in a choir? Ensemble? Along with the radio, to the annoyance of your neighbors?

Describe perfect weather.

The Twitter Emitter

Temperature in Hollywood just dropped to 81 degrees. Pray for us.

— Steve Weinstein (@steveweinstein) January 15, 2014

Is it okay to hang out in front of Sunday schools and tell the kids that religion is bullshit? I'm asking for the Supreme Court.

— TBogg (@tbogg) January 16, 2014

If you can't directly yell in a woman's face as she seeks medical help, how will she know that you're a Christian?

— LOLGOP (@LOLGOP) January 16, 2014

Rand Paul announced he joined SnapChat today, though he says he's "getting sick of all the sex messages from some Carlos Danger guy."

— Top Conservative Cat (@TeaPartyCat) January 16, 2014

PLEASE NOTE: If "propaganda" can make you gay, it wasn't that hard.

— LOLGOP (@LOLGOP) January 16, 2014

Just saw a guy with a tramp stamp. The death panels can't come fast enough.

— TBogg (@tbogg) January 16, 2014

Trent Franks: "My bill will have the IRS focus on what's good for America– auditing rape victims instead of billionaires buying elections."

— Top Conservative Cat (@TeaPartyCat) January 17, 2014

"Muslim headscarves? What a cruel & primitive supertstition" said the circumcised Western man.

— John Fugelsang (@JohnFugelsang) January 17, 2014

Nadya Suleman has trademarked the term 'Octomom.' Her children, meanwhile, have trademarked the term 'Somebody Help Us.'

— John Fugelsang (@JohnFugelsang) January 17, 2014

First, GOP cut Food Stamps to preserve tax breaks for corporate polluters. Then corporate polluters poisoned the water supply. #freedom

— The Daily Edge (@TheDailyEdge) January 16, 2014

Interrogatories

How hot and spicy do you like your food? What’s your favorite hot and spicy food?

Do you use coupons? If so, do you save a lot of money?

Do you ever correct people’s English if they make really bad mistakes while speaking?

The Twitter Emitter

All these judges overturning gay marriage bans. Oklahoma, New Mexico, Utah. It's like they think gays have rights under the Constitution.

— Top Conservative Cat (@TeaPartyCat) January 15, 2014

Buffer zones around Supreme Courts are unconstitutional. I just want to talk to them.

— David Waldman (@KagroX) January 15, 2014

When corporations poison our water and the #GOP threatens to blow up the global economy, the terrorists not only win, they take the day off

— The Daily Edge (@TheDailyEdge) January 15, 2014

“Senate has been unable to extend unemployment benefits.” “At Fort Sumter the states have been unable to end slavery”

— Dana Houle (@DanaHoule) January 15, 2014

If the long-term unemployed were threatening to cause Republicans in Congress flight delays, they'd have their unemployment by sundown.

— LOLGOP (@LOLGOP) January 15, 2014

Obscure Florida law states that car dealerships may only make tv commercials that feature untalented grandchildren.

— John Fugelsang (@JohnFugelsang) January 15, 2014

GOP economic policy is driven by their dripping contempt for the POOR.

— Don Millard (@OTOOLEFAN) January 15, 2014

Louie Gohmert's performance art is cruel and condescending to ignorant hayseeds.

— Chris Dashiell (@cdashiell) January 15, 2014

Sarah Palin: "I hope my friends know not to call me when Duck Dynasty is on tonight. #StandWithPhil Also anyone know what time and channel?"

— Top Conservative Cat (@TeaPartyCat) January 15, 2014

Rand Paul: I joined Snapchat. Now send me your reproductive rights and watch them disappear 🙂

— LOLGOP (@LOLGOP) January 15, 2014

Interrogatories

How many hats do you own? What kinds?

Do you still have friends from grade school?

Have you violated any “Terms of Agreement” in any way? Have you been caught?

The Twitter Emitter

What's the diff btw Americans on unemployment insurance & Congress? Americans on unemployment insurance want to work. #p2

— John Fugelsang (@JohnFugelsang) January 14, 2014

Justin Bieber's home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.

— God (@TheTweetOfGod) January 15, 2014

"The bigger the government, the smaller the people," he said, as he waited for the okay to begin drinking the water from his faucets again.

— LOLGOP (@LOLGOP) January 15, 2014

If I prayed, I'd ask God to stop making Republicans.

— Danforth France (@danforthfrance) January 14, 2014

People are really making too big a deal out of this West Virginia thing. Now that we have bottled water, do you really need a working tap?

— Jack Kimble (@RepJackKimble) January 14, 2014

Also, please stop the white-on-white gun violence at the movies.

— David Waldman (@KagroX) January 14, 2014

Money doesn't make the world go round. It just increases the rate of spin.

— Peter Flom (@peterflom) January 13, 2014

Why is it everyone on Twitter who have "loves Freedom" in their bio actually hates that the rest of us have it? #GOPFail

— Eileen (@taboo1099) January 15, 2014

Performance Review = when someone tells you you're doing a perfect job, & we'll need you to start doing everything differently.

— John Fugelsang (@JohnFugelsang) January 13, 2014

Interrogatories

What’s your take on the Christie affair? Do you think he’ll resign if implicated? If so, it that the end of his political career (and the start of his Fox News career)?

Have you ever dressed up a pet and lived to tell the tale? Got pics?

What form of organization describes you best? A total mess but you know exactly where everything is, scrupulously tidy and everything in its place, or maybe something else?

The Twitter Emitter

"I should go to bed." Translation: Let me continually refresh my tabs for another hour.

— RapGamePhilipGlass (@GuildedAge) January 13, 2014

Britt Hume says Christie is in trouble because of our "feminized" culture. Corruption and bullying are just good masculine traits.

— Chris Dashiell (@cdashiell) January 13, 2014

Chris Christie can't comment on those new allegations yet. His remaining staff are waiting for him to finish his workout.

— Top Conservative Cat (@TeaPartyCat) January 13, 2014

Bill and Emma Keller are invited to die and show us all how it should be done

— kara vallow (@teenagesleuth) January 13, 2014

google bought nest so that google glass can see the temp in your house and roast you when skynet is activated.

— Oliver Willis (@owillis) January 13, 2014

Rich people are the victims here because all the hungry people want a piece of them.

— Chris Dashiell (@cdashiell) January 13, 2014

What happens when there's a scandal about water rights or something — will media be forced to call it "Water-Gate"?

— Tom Tomorrow (@tomtomorrow) January 14, 2014

Bush left us with 2 failing wars and depression. But at least he didn't get 10 million people health insurance.

— LOLGOP (@LOLGOP) January 14, 2014

They really need to take a closer look at the violent video games these 71-year-old retirees are playing.

— David Waldman (@KagroX) January 14, 2014

2.3 million children live with unemployed parents who were cut off from benefits, and yet Democrats STILL won't repeal child labor laws.

— Top Conservative Cat (@TeaPartyCat) January 14, 2014

Interrogatories

How much of a germ/bacteria-phobe are you?

Accordions – love them or hate them?

How much of a skeptic are you? Do you have any “out there” things that you believe in?

Who was your famous person childhood crush?

The Twitter Emitter

Louie Gohmert is a living reminder of how slow evolution really is.

— Chris Dashiell (@cdashiell) January 10, 2014

Darrell Issa: "So far my investigation into the Velveeta shortage all points to Michelle Obama, who is the only person I'm investigating."

— Top Conservative Cat (@TeaPartyCat) January 9, 2014

Eager to learn which governor's revenge plot is behind the Velveeta shortage.

— Ronan Farrow (@RonanFarrow) January 9, 2014

I once got so mad at a guy I did a full econometric analysis of retail queues

— Ezra Klein (@ezraklein) January 9, 2014

Louie Gohmert is a living reminder of how slow evolution really is.

— Chris Dashiell (@cdashiell) January 10, 2014

Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.

— God (@TheTweetOfGod) January 10, 2014

You know, if a Democratic Governor had been caught doing this, they would have been drawn, quartered, tarred and feathered by now.

— UV (@UltraVerified) January 11, 2014

Just heard how long WOLF OF WALL STREET is. If I wanted to feel uncomfortable about money for 3 hours I'd just do my taxes.

— Tim Federle (@TimFederle) January 11, 2014

Time for some traffic problems for the voices in my head.

— Jeff Tiedrich (@jefftiedrich) January 11, 2014

The G.W. Bridge has always been a target for terrorists. We just didn't think the terrorists would be #Republicans.

— Mary W. Matthews (@MWM4444) January 11, 2014

I think we can all agree the best acceptance speech would be from Hodor.

— pourmecoffee (@pourmecoffee) January 13, 2014