Motley Moose – Archive

Interrogatories

Do children and pets like you right away?

It’s National Rice Pudding Day, are you a fan?

Can you tie a windsor knot? Can you tie a bowtie?

Have you been to a live auction? A silent auction? Did you bid on anything? Did you win?

Have ever used eBay, for buying or selling?

The Twitter Emitter

Pretty unfair that sharks get a whole week and vampires only get a weekend.

— Kevin Farzad (@KevinFarzad) August 5, 2013

Obama canceling the summit is his way of putin Russia in its place.

— CC:Indecision (@indecision) August 7, 2013

I'm still confused by the logistics of taking a picture of your own penis in a glass of wine.

— Ian (@iboudreau) August 7, 2013

Politifact rates its own name half-true (h/t @iamrc10)

— The Daily Edge (@TheDailyEdge) August 7, 2013

If I had 5 wishes, I'd use them all to wish people would stop counting shit. #IHateBuzzfeed

— Andrew Gatto (@AndrewGatto) August 7, 2013

With States Rights come States Responsibilities. #confessyourunpopularopinion

— Bryan (@FoldsOfFlab) August 8, 2013

Capybaras alwayes looke lyke Edward Gorey designede them.

— Chaucer Doth Tweet (@LeVostreGC) August 8, 2013

The winning Powerball numbers aren't 11-19-37-47-53-24.

— Ben Greenman (@bengreenman) August 8, 2013

"Give a million monkeys a million typewriters and you'll get Shakespeare" has been proven wrong by the internet.

— Cliff Bleszinski (@therealcliffyb) August 8, 2013

Telling an atheist to go to hell is like asking an economist to invest in a Ponzi scheme. They don't believe in false profits.

— DC Debbie (@DCdebbie) August 8, 2013

Interrogatories

Can you give directions well? Can you follow directions well? Does asking for directions come easily for you? 😉

How are you at folding maps?

Do you ever bring your own food or drinks into movie theaters? What do you bring?

Do you watch the Olympics? If yes, what are your favorite competitions? Do you think we should boycott next year’s Winter Olympics (in Russia)?

The Twitter Emitter

Apparently the Tea Party decided to boycott Ebony for issuing 4 covers dedicated to Trayvon Martin:

We have so many Tea Party readers and followers. To lose all zero of them due to our September cover would be devastating.

— EBONY (@EBONYMag) August 7, 2013

#WhitePeopleBoycottingEbonyMagazine is like the KKK boycotting watching reruns of The Crosby Show

— Rolando Smash (@isitis) August 7, 2013

@ArrogantDemon Now White Conservatives will now buy Essence Magazine instead of Ebony lol #WhitePeopleBoycottingEbonyMagazine

— Rita A (@ritaag) August 7, 2013

Might as well announce you're boycotting thinking at the same time guys, because you don't do none of that either. #EbonyBoycott

— The 12th Doctor (@DCPlod) August 7, 2013

#WhitePeopleBoycottingEbonyMagazine Is like Italians thinking Olive Garden is fine dining

— Maximiliano Risk (@ArrogantDemon) August 7, 2013

#WhitePeopleBoycottingEbonyMagazine Is like people from Mexico saying Taco Bell reminds them of home.

— adept2u (@adept2u) August 7, 2013

I want to meet the Tea Partier who subscribes to @EBONYMag, because I'd like to believe unicorns exist.

— Jamil Smith (@JamilSmith) August 7, 2013

White people boycotting Ebony is kind of like, say, a boycott of Twitter to stop trolls silencing women.

— The 12th Doctor (@DCPlod) August 7, 2013

#WhitePeopleBoycottingEBONY is now entering its 68th year!

— Ian (@iboudreau) August 7, 2013

next you're gonna tell me that Steve King is going to stop watching ¡Sabado Gigante!

— sethdmichaels (@sethdmichaels) August 7, 2013

#WhitePeopleBoycottingEBONY is like John Boehner boycotting sobriety.

— &e-ru (@dvnix) August 7, 2013

Jay-Z Album Sales Flatline After Tea Party Boycott

— Oliver Willis (@owillis) August 7, 2013

Ebony are racist for not putting Riley Cooper on their cover instead.

— The 12th Doctor (@DCPlod) August 7, 2013

Interrogatories

Do you collect anything? If so, what?

Are you a gossip? Do you talk to any gossips?

Are you at all interested in the private lives of public figures?

Do you know CPR? If so, have you ever had to use it?

What’s your favorite lighthouse?

The Twitter Emitter

Take that, person who said a thing on the internet

— Dan Derozier (@danderozier) July 31, 2013

Look officer, I'm not being a smartass. All I'm saying is if you caught me then you were speeding too.

— Bill Murray (@BiIIMurray) August 2, 2013

Each night while twitter sleeps, the hinge fairy puts the hinges back on so that next day, the unhingeing can happen all over again.

— Bazillion ★ Admiral (@jonkudelka) August 4, 2013

"No one is rich who cannot afford his own army," said Marcus Crassus 2000 years ago. We're getting there …

— davidfrum (@davidfrum) August 5, 2013

Rom-com: dowdy NSA officer (Katherine Heigl) falls for charming terrorist she's listening in on (Bradley Cooper), sets out to clear his name

— Ronan Farrow (@RonanFarrow) August 5, 2013

IRLRT @danderozier Google Naps, competes with Microsoft SleepWorks Expression Studio, Home Edition

— Evan Mintz (@evan7257) August 5, 2013

Hi! I'm Liz Cheney. The fact I have to get a license to fish these pristine streams, shows how jack boot Govt is the problem. Vote for me!"

— Justice Putnam (@justiceputnam) August 6, 2013

Being an asshole is a lifestyle choice.

— God (@TheTweetOfGod) August 6, 2013

Oh, sure, McDonald's pays workers in other countries $15/hr and makes a profit, but that would never work here because, well, um, you know.

— Top Conservative Cat (@TeaPartyCat) August 6, 2013

When will Apple update my favorite program, "iTunes (Not Responding)"?

— daveweigel (@daveweigel) August 6, 2013

Mitt Romney is speaking tonight in one of his four home states that he lost last November.

— LOLGOP (@LOLGOP) August 6, 2013

Give a man a fish, you fed him today. Teach him to fish, you fed him for a lifetime. If there's no fish in the sea, deny the man foodstamps.

— Top Conservative Cat (@TeaPartyCat) August 6, 2013

Interrogatories

Do you like tattoos? Have any?

Do you wear campaign buttons? Even when not campaigning?

Do you tip your garbage collector, mail carrier, or other public servant?

Do you fish and/or hunt?

Do you like root beer floats? What’s your favorite brand of root beer?

The Twitter Emitter

Did I hear this right? Bezos bought the Post? Free shipping for everyone!

— Steve Weinstein (@steveweinstein) August 5, 2013

From now on you'll be able to buy a WaPo for $1.25, but there will also be 28 used from $0.01.

— Bob Cesca (@bobcesca_go) August 5, 2013

Bezos realized that newspapers were great at same-day delivery.

— Matthew Reichbach (@fbihop) August 5, 2013

BREAKING: Amazon purchases Washington Post, Craigslist lures New York Times into its apartment and kills it

— Rex Huppke (@RexHuppke) August 5, 2013

Probably the wrong day to be working out of the office…

— Ezra Klein (@ezraklein) August 5, 2013

Now Facebook must buy the Wall Street Journal & Apple must buy the New York Times. (I just saved you the next 36 hours of tech journalism.)

— Spencer Ackerman (@attackerman) August 5, 2013

Billionaire Uses One-Click to Buy Washington Post for $250M

— Don Van Natta Jr. (@DVNJr) August 5, 2013

So, Bob Woodward finally has a good excuse for trying to sell books at the expense of his paper's reporting.

— Duke (@DukeStJournal) August 5, 2013

Hey you forgot to buy us. #slatepitches

— Jesse Berney (@jesseberney) August 5, 2013

Shipping is free if you add items totaling more than $250 million.

— Charles Johnson (@Green_Footballs) August 5, 2013

I seriously cannot even IMAGINE all the pearl-clutching that Sally Quinn is doing right now.

— delrayser (@delrayser) August 5, 2013

Why are people surprised Jeff Bezos bought the Washington Post? Rich people love buying old junk no one wants. It's called antiquing.

— CC:Indecision (@indecision) August 5, 2013

Interrogatories

When did you last paint a wall? What color?

How many keys are on your keyring? Do you need all of them?

Have you played Bridge? Pinochle? Rummy? Hearts? War? Solitaire? What’s your favorite card game?

How often do you get a haircut?

Where do you get the best oysters?

The Twitter Emitter

Y'know what'd be great? If more Fox hosts making 8 figures a yr would lecture minimum wage workers about how good they have it. #thanks

— Eric Boehlert (@EricBoehlert) August 1, 2013

Y'know what'd be great? If more Fox hosts making 8 figures a yr would lecture minimum wage workers about how good they have it. #thanks

— Eric Boehlert (@EricBoehlert) August 1, 2013

You don't "accidentally" say the N-word unless it's already part of your vocabulary. #TrueColors #RileyCooper

— Jamaal Glenn (@JamaalGlenn) August 2, 2013

If the House has the time to repeal Obamacare for the 40th time, we are obviously paying them way too much.

— Steve Weinstein (@steveweinstein) August 2, 2013

Well if Snowden is going to be in Russia, at least Sarah Palin can keep an eye on him.

— Tina Dupuy (@TinaDupuy) August 2, 2013

I don't want to sound racist, but I also don't want to have to stop BEING racist. Why is life so HARD?

— Joey Comeau (@joeycomeau) August 2, 2013

Officials: Texas running out of execution drug – Do what Florida does, have everyone shoot each other. http://t.co/uaSjb9DegR

— Tim UU (@idlechatter91) August 2, 2013

Reuters: Bomb blast at Benghazi police station. // Issa spokesman says congressman is on a month's vacation & will blame Obama in September

— Picasso Kat (@Picassokat) August 2, 2013

Standard response after you recite paragraphs of verifiable facts and statistics: "You must be a libtard, right?"

— Chris Dashiell (@cdashiell) August 2, 2013

BREAKING: UK's David Cameron hires Jim Messina to annoy supporters with endless emails.

— Top Conservative Cat (@TeaPartyCat) August 2, 2013

“@DAbitty: Procrastination kills!”….but not immediately 😉

— Highly scatological (@RaisingOneBrow) August 2, 2013

Interrogatories

Have you ever had a census-taker come to your house? (I always just get a form to mail in.) Did you eat his liver with some fava beans and a nice chianti?

Have you ever ridden on a cable car?

Who wears the look better: Eddie Munster or Paul Ryan?

Do you like to gamble? Have you ever won anything?

What’s in your glove compartment?

The Twitter Emitter

God is punishing us for thinking we know what God is punishing us for.

— LOLGOP (@LOLGOP) July 31, 2013

With all the pressing matters before Congress, I'm glad Darrell Issa found time to name all the water around the US after Reagan.

— Top Conservative Cat (@TeaPartyCat) August 1, 2013

First I created stupidity. Then, to give it some place to go, I created people.

— God (@TheTweetOfGod) August 1, 2013

As revenge for this Snowden mess, Obama should stick to the summit with Putin, but staff it entirely with flamboyant gay dudes. #takethat

— daveweigel (@daveweigel) August 1, 2013

Al Qaeda leaders say they may take August off: "Let's give Ted Cruz's plan to bring America to its knees some more time to work"

— The Daily Edge (@TheDailyEdge) August 1, 2013

Ariel Castro sentenced to life without possibility of parole, meanwhile Juror B37 isn't sure what he did was even a crime.

— Top Conservative Cat (@TeaPartyCat) August 1, 2013

Look on the bright side #ArielCastro. At least you know how long you'll be trapped in a prison and why you're there.

— Crutnacker (@Crutnacker) August 1, 2013

Skinny jeans are a poor substitute for skinny genes.

— God (@TheTweetOfGod) August 1, 2013

Glad the GOP blocked Obama's jobs bill. It wastes so much money fixing roads and bridges when the free market will just fix them by magic.

— Top Conservative Cat (@TeaPartyCat) August 1, 2013

Senate confirms Samantha Power as UN ambassador, despite Republican concerns that she is intelligent, well-qualified and female

— The Daily Edge (@TheDailyEdge) August 1, 2013

Interrogatories

It’s National Simplify Your Life Week. In what ways does your life need simplification? (Mine is clutter.)

Do you ever travel by train? What is the longest train journey you have taken? Where do you wish they had a train to?

What fear have you outgrown? What fear do you wish you could outgrow?

Have you ever had or even seen a Raspberry Cream Pie, and if so, can you tell me where to get one?

The Twitter Emitter

Paul Ryan: "Obama's jobs proposal is just the same tired ideas about hiring people to build things we need. What a broken record!"

— Top Conservative Cat (@TeaPartyCat) July 30, 2013

House Dems should propose food stamp bill and put "Benghazi" in the title just to get GOPers to impulsively vote for it w/o reading first.

— Dennis (@wxdam) July 31, 2013

Before Twitter, if you wanted to be included in endless conversations that in no way involve or interest you, you had to have a family.

— LOLGOP (@LOLGOP) July 31, 2013

Extreme Political or Religious conflicts resolve by War. Extreme Scientific conflicts resolve by a search for better data.

— Neil deGrasse Tyson (@neiltyson) July 31, 2013

Awkward question for Anthony Weiner at New York mayoral forum: "How did you celebrate National Orgasm Day?"

— The Daily Edge (@TheDailyEdge) July 31, 2013

O.J. Simpson finally went to jail just for being another middle-aged guy trying to get his balls back.

— John Fugelsang (@JohnFugelsang) July 31, 2013

George Zimmerman got pulled over for speeding in Texas, but didn't get a ticket, so it's official– GEORGE ZIMMERMAN IS ABOVE THE LAW.

— Top Conservative Cat (@TeaPartyCat) July 31, 2013

George Zimmerman got pulled over for speeding in Texas, but didn't get a ticket, so it's official– GEORGE ZIMMERMAN IS ABOVE THE LAW.

— Top Conservative Cat (@TeaPartyCat) July 31, 2013

If #trayvon had been pulled over in TX with a loaded gun, we'd be watching the dashcam video of him being killed! #Zimmerman

— ExtremeLiberal (Jim) (@ExtremeLiberal) July 31, 2013

I try to stay in shape by exercising poor judgement.

— Bad Advice (@ThatsBadAdvice) July 31, 2013

How did asking for money for your labor become "greed"? How did fighting for rights to which you are entitled become "being entitled"?

— Sarah Kendzior (@sarahkendzior) August 1, 2013

First Scott Walker came for the teachers union, and police and firemen said nothing…

— Top Conservative Cat (@TeaPartyCat) August 1, 2013

Interrogatories

In the good old (ancient) days, leaders received nicknames like “the Fearless,” “the Bold,” “the Fat,” “the Unready,” etc. What nicknames would you give present day “leaders” such as Boehner and McConnell?

Where you disappointed when you learned the moon wasn’t made of cheese?

Are you good at building fires? Do you enjoy it?

Are you now, or have you ever been any good on stilts, pogo sticks, skateboards, or ice and roller skates?

Do you like cotton candy?

The Twitter Emitter

TX Sen Ted Cruz asks TX uninsured NOT to sign up for health care, to hurt Obamacare. Has Cruz removed HIS family from gov't health care?

— Jodi (@jodotcom) July 30, 2013

“@BryanJFischer: fracking could make U.S. energy independent, threaten Saudi economy.// It'd also be cool to have a faucet just for fire

— Jack Kimble (@RepJackKimble) July 30, 2013

"Israeli-Palestinian talks are pointless. They never solve anything. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go vote to repeal Obamacare again."

— Top Conservative Cat (@TeaPartyCat) July 30, 2013

WSJ: "We hope the 'gender police' don't make Obama name Janet Yellen head of the Federal Reserve just because she's qualified and talented."

— Top Conservative Cat (@TeaPartyCat) July 30, 2013

Ironic how in the Bible Belt teenage girls have to pawn their "promise rings" so that they can buy diapers!#GOP #uniteblue #liberal #lib

— GOP4TREASON (@GOPANTIUSA) July 30, 2013

Bradley Manning. The brother Peyton never talks about.

— Crutnacker (@Crutnacker) July 30, 2013

'The only kind of sexuality against nature is pretending to be straight when you're not' http://t.co/F7g29mOqpF #LGBT

— John Fugelsang (@JohnFugelsang) July 30, 2013

"Quit isn't the way we roll in NYC," says Weiner, who didn't quit cyber-sexing girls after he said he would. http://t.co/aG9nveQ951

— daveweigel (@daveweigel) July 30, 2013

GOP primary debates are going to be like a Hunger Games where you're not rooting for anyone and can just really enjoy the gruesome kills.

— pourmecoffee (@pourmecoffee) July 31, 2013

The more things change, the more conservatives don't.

— God (@TheTweetOfGod) July 30, 2013

Interrogatories

It’s National Cheesecake Day. What’s the best cheesecake you ever had?

Did you ever have a treehouse? If you had to do without, did you at least like to climb trees?

Are you good at riding horses? What is your saddle preference?

Did you ever get into an actual physical altercation? Can you tell us about it?

The Twitter Emitter

Shocking NSA revelation: Speaker Boehner made entirely of cheddar. #TheCheese

— Christopher Moore (@TheAuthorGuy) July 26, 2013

By time you finish this sentence, Halliburton will generate enough revenue to pay fine for destroying evidence in history's worst oil spill.

— Robert Reich (@RBReich) July 26, 2013

There's no "i" in "team." But there's an "i" in "Tim," and my friend Carlos pronounces it "team" so… there you go.

— Bill Murray (@BiIIMurray) July 27, 2013

I hope Obama won't appoint Janet Yellen to Fed chair without a full and fair public discussion on her appearance and dress.

— Jesse Berney (@jesseberney) July 29, 2013

White males go on berserk rampage through Huntington Beach area: http://t.co/dnoGfKXoJs Will nobody address white male crime?

— JSG (@jsgaetano) July 29, 2013

All the prison breaks across the Middle East will be know as the "Arab Sprung".

— Elayne Boosler (@ElayneBoosler) July 29, 2013

Tonight on Shiny Object Theater: A former government official has lunch with the president. What does this mean three years from today?

— Emilio Distress (@vcthree) July 29, 2013

That awkward moment when actual North Carolina legislation becomes indistinguishable from satire.

— Top Conservative Cat (@TeaPartyCat) July 29, 2013

But, you know, a lot of people probably got run over at car shows.

— David Waldman (@KagroX) July 29, 2013

What's more fun, repealing Obamacare or defunding ACORN?

— Sahil Kapur (@sahilkapur) July 29, 2013

Good God. Rush Limbaugh is more disgusting than truck stop drain hair.

— Lizz Winstead (@lizzwinstead) July 29, 2013

Dick Cheney is so evil his horcruxes try to destroy themselves.

— John Fugelsang (@JohnFugelsang) July 29, 2013

Interrogatories

In the wake of various sex scandals, it has been brought up that the merest whiff of SEX!!!! will tar a female politician for life, but men can usually apologize and bounce back. Why do you think that there have been no real sex scandals involving female American politicians? Is it because they are smart enough not to do it? Smart enough to be discreet? Or do you think none of them have been caught yet?

Do you think if a female politician were so compromised, that the press would have the usual double standard about Republicans (OK) and Democrats (Bad!)?

What is your favorite Ben and Jerry’s flavor?

Have you ever marched in a parade?

What is the best dinner you ever made?

The Twitter Emitter

CNN’s Don Lemon said something stupid and then doubled down:

Blacks could have prevented Jim Crow by simply throwing their food wrappers in the nearest garbage can #DonLemonLogic

— K Chamomile (@kchamomile) July 28, 2013

if we keep naming our kids things like Quontisha & Dearion, there will never be a 'flesh' colored band-aid for black people. #DonLemonLogic

— Brokey McPoverty (@brokeymcpoverty) July 28, 2013

#DonLemon telling black men to dress differently to avoid racism is like telling a woman to change her clothes to not get raped

— Vision (@VisionPoet) July 28, 2013

who took don lemon's advice and bought their kid a bunch of polos and khakis for school, BUT THEN FOUND OUT RAHM CLOSED THE GODDAMN SCHOOL

— African Strongman (@bIoach) July 28, 2013

Remember that time black people pulled up their pants and crime ended forever?

— Jesse Berney (@jesseberney) July 28, 2013

I stopped reading @rezaaslan's book "Zealot" when I saw he numbered the pages and endnotes with Arabic numerals! #CreepingSharia #tcot

— Gen JC Christian (@JC_Christian) July 27, 2013

White people believe not being racist consists of two things. 1) Not using the word nigger. 2) Having Black friends.

— zellie (@zellieimani) July 28, 2013

Guy in first class calling our weather delay "incompetence" ("I can't believe I pay money for this!") will be the first one eaten.

— Ana Marie Cox (@anamariecox) July 28, 2013

GREAT NEWS FOR CHRISTIAN CLIMATE CHANGE DENIERS: Scientists now agree prayer is the only thing that can save us http://t.co/nQY9K0hrvj

— The Daily Edge (@TheDailyEdge) July 28, 2013

The problem with retconning one's personal stupidity is that one is usually still stupid. So one just ends up digging the hole deeper.

— John Scalzi (@scalzi) July 28, 2013

If Fox thinks muslims can't talk about jesus I assume they won't have on anymore people who haven't served in wars trying to start new ones.

— Jamie Kilstein (@jamiekilstein) July 29, 2013