Motley Moose – Archive

Since 2008 – Progress Through Politics

And Now It Begins (A Coming Out Diary)

My brother Reid, the man I am caregiver for, told me the other day that he was gay. I have known it for a long, long time. He tried coming out once before but experienced so much pressure from the family that he decided he was mistaken. It was especially hard for the youngest brother to accept. They were very close. Jerry is a hard core right wing born again Christian. He and I have clashed many, many times over the years. We may be clashing again over this.

Reid sent a message to Jerry this morning telling him. He tried to call but couldn’t get a clear connection. He hasn’t heard one word back. I can tell he is hurting and trying to hide it. That in turns hurts me.

Reid and I don’t always see eye to eye and we were estranged for many years. It took the sudden death of our brother Mike to bring us back together. Mike’s death reconnected Jerry and I but not as closely as it did Reid and I.

In the late 90s I was in a marriage from hell. My therapist told me to get out of the abusive marriage but be careful because my husband might try to kill me if I left him. Having experienced his driving when he was mad at me I can well believe that my life was in danger. I know California law required a therapist to warn someone if they feel that person is in danger from someone they are counseling.

A gay couple moved me across the country into their home until I could get on my feet. If I had stayed in California I would be forever looking over my shoulder. I am alive because of them.

That move to the Midwest gave me the opportunity to be caregiver to my Mom for six years. I tried to help my brother Mike and moved down to North Carolina to be near his daughter and grandchildren. He was supposed to join me. Instead the demons of Vietnam finally destroyed him. I cleaned up his financial mess and cleaned and sold my parent’s house.

I moved Reid out here when I realized how sick he had become. I was shocked when I saw him for the first time in years. He looks 20 years older than me and I’m seven and a half years older than he is. He is in a wheelchair now. We are constantly seeing doctors and therapists and nurses trying desperately to get him some more control over his wasted body. He was in the hospital for a week after collapsing. He is in constant pain. If he is rejected by family and friends he will be in even more pain.

I can cope with giving him sponge baths, cleaning him after he uses the portable commode, cleaning out urinals, picking him up literally when he falls, feeding him, checking his blood sugars, helping him take his insulin, getting him in and out of the car, all that is doable. What is going to be rough is if he is cut off by someone he loves.

I have hugged him and told him I love him and I think he is very brave. I am here to be his caregiver because two gay men rescued me when my life was in danger. I owe it to them to help others and especially those in the LGBT community who have so much hate thrown at them.

Reid says he thinks Jerry is going to blame this all on me. Let him. I’m a caregiver. I can handle anything.

 

I haven’t been around much since I am a daily caregiver. Reid has been really sick and my whole day has been dedicated to caring for him.


4 comments

  1. HappyinVT

    I also have some thoughts on Jerry which I will limit to only: perhaps it is better that Jerry not respond or at least not right away.  Reid may not need Jerry’s words in his mind right now.

    (I also wish I could find the right transcript of Ellen Page’s “coming out” speech; she talked about loving each other and not judging.  For whatever reason it particularly struck me but,alas, I cannot find the link to the right article.)

    Reid, and everyone else, needs to be loved and not judged.

  2. Diana in NoVa

    but you appear to be handling it with grace and love. So sorry that your brother Reid is so very ill. Perhaps the Serenity Prayer will help him to cope with Jerry’s attitude:

    God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

    The courage to change the things I can,

    And wisdom to know the difference.

    Blessed be.

  3. Portlaw

    help you in these trying times. Blessings to you and Reid. How lucky Reid is to have you. I admire you so much.  

  4. I echo HappyinVT’s comment “Reid may not need Jerry’s words in his head right now”. As you said, “if he is rejected by family and friends he will be in even more pain.”

    Your caregiving is healing his spirit even if it can’t help his body completely. It is likely that Jerry is dealing with his own demons right now because rigid right-wing orthodoxy does not allow for someone you love to be something you have been told you must hate. He would not be the first born-again Christian to decide that he can’t flip a switch and hate his brother. But I sincerely hope he stays quiet until he can speak kindly to Reid and not add to his pain.

    Thank you for sharing this story, Michelewin. I wondered where you had gotten to.

     

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