(or My War on Christmas)
I’ve never been a particularly religious person but I’ve never questioned that Jesus was the son of God or that God existed.
I’ve gone to church a few times after some significant event in my life ~ but never quite felt that I belonged. Maybe it was the songs that I didn’t know or the sermon that didn’t quite relate to me or the people with whom I didn’t feel a connection. Maybe it was all of the above or none. Maybe it’s me, though, not those external trappings of religion.
The last year or so has seen me question my beliefs. In cannot say what prompted this review; it wasn’t exactly an epiphany or some great white light bulb. I haven’t read any persuasive literature or, you know I love you guys, taken anything posted here as some great sign that led me to question my beliefs.
I do remember being in the shower of all places (although I do tend to do my best thinking in the bathroom and I’m not sure what that means) that I realized that I can no longer say that I believe Jesus in the son of God. Is it the absence of some kind of proof? Do I need a DNA test? Or is it that I find the story unpersuasive? I’ve never really thought about it, I guess. Growing up we didn’t regularly attend church. My sisters were both confirmed but I’ve always assumed that my mother quit going to church around the time of my father’s death. My older brother and I went to vacation Bible School but that had more to do with “vacation” than it did with “Bible” and, I suspect, my mother’s way to get us out of her hair for awhile. About the only thing I remember from those years was the song, “Deep and Wide.”
I used to thank God for things, even little things. I would remember something from out of the blue ~ must have been God. Something good would happen ~ must be God’s doing. Even the bad things ~ God has a plan. I’m not comfortable with that anymore, either.
And, honestly, that kind of scares me. What if I’m wrong? I really don’t want to spend eternity in Hell; I like snow and my Heaven would have four seasons.
I don’t feel like celebrating Christmas this year. Does it have to do with these doubts in my head? Most likely. We have snow on the ground and it’s cold outside so the weather is certainly cooperating. But how is it that I should celebrate Christmas when I don’t believe the basic purpose behind the holiday?