As reported in the New York Times and other reputable sources – and widely mocked elsewhere – Griftasaurus Karlroveii has concocted yet another plan to stave off extinction… or at least make some money off it if it’s really unavoidavle. In a party where dinosaur-on-dinosaur violence has reached levels worthy of paleo-pay-per-view coverage, the bespectacled behemoth believes that he has found the Secret of Eternal Relevance. As always, it involves money. Other people’s money, obviously.
His latest Life Extension scheme involves establishment of the Conservative Victory Party. While that sounds dreadfully bland, rest assured, blood will spill, and carnage will result. Don’t touch that dial! First on the CVP’s hit list? The witless Baggasaurs whose moronic Mesozoic meddling has already cost the GOPasaurs some key seats in the House and Senate. Like a clown car filled with velociraptors on crack, the Baggasaurs provided ample amusement for those of us on the other side of the aisle, but have been an unending torment for their supposed allies.
Spawned by the evil genius and deep pockets of the Kochasaurs and a few other one-percenters with more free time and money than brains, the Baggasaurs were foisted on the American public as a true grass-roots Paleo-phenomenon. Easily identified by their curious headgear, poorly-spelled signs, and angry vocalizations, the Baggasaurs played their parts to perfection. Their walnut-sized brains ensured that they would never discern that they were simply “extras” in the Greatest Story Never Told, and that despite their daily trips to the mailbox, their checks would never arrive.
Still, when measured in terms of damage done versus IQ points, the Baggasaurs will leave a dent in the fossil record. In retrospect, their Reign of Error may represent the Beginning of the End for GOPasaurs. Some analysts surmise that G. karlroveii is very much in agreement with this view, but clearly not above using it to advance his own objectives. Follow along below the coprolite horizon for more…
The Achilles’ Heel of all GOPasaurs is their willingness to double down, even when the odds are bleakest. One need look no further than famed Casinasaurus adelsonii, who
blew invested tens of millions of dollars first in the ill-fated campaign of Stegasaurus newtii, then Brontosaurus romneii. Why, if one didn’t know better, one might think that this was an instance of Mesozoic money-laundering.
G. karlroveii knows just how to run the “long con” on his fellow GOPasaurs, many of whom are well and truly frightened as the Baggasaurs Ruin Things For Everyone. He knows that, in a world where extinction looms large, volcanoes rumble, and sulfurus gas clouds roll across the perpetually-sunsetty-looking horizon, there’s always money, the cure for all ailments. GOPasaurs have money. G. karlroveii wants money. All he needs to do is to pipe in some happy tunes, and the GOPasaurs will emerge from their
hardened bunkers caves, checkbooks clutched in their tiny forelibs. Once he’s amassed the requisite millions, he’s back in business, and all memories of his Faux News Election Night Meltdown will be washed away, just as Jesus will wash away all sin when he returns to save the GOPasaurs in the Velocirapture
But… I digress. The ultimate irony in this saurian scheme is that G. karlroveii is working to effect genetic engineering by careful selection and propagation of Conservasaurus traits. Not bad for a party that doesn’t believe in evolution. By selecting in favor of GOPasaurs who meet their strictly defined characteristcs, he reasons, the entire species will be improved. Eugenics, anyone?
While it would take eons for this Paleo-plan to result in meaningful change, it only takes a moment to deposit a check from a deep-pocket donor whose beady little eyes glisten at the prospect of Ethnic Cleansing of their beloved party.
Darwin will be turning in his grave, but P.T. Barnum will be laughing all the way to the bank.