Motley Moose – Archive

Since 2008 – Progress Through Politics

Zee Lounge: Evolution Edition

Zee stupid, it burns our brains.

We are beginning to wonder why the United States is listed as a developed nation when the majority of her citizens are still living in the dark ages — or at the very least, somewhere in the first half of the 1800s.


You see, when we are not out causing mischief and mayhem, we like to kick back and catch a movie, just like everybody else. Brilliant intellectuals that we are, imagine our excitement when we heard about Creation, starring Paul Bettany, which chronicles Darwin’s “struggle between faith and reason” as he wrote On The Origin of Species.

Looks worth a couple of hours of our exceedingly valuable time, no?

Mayhap so… But sadly, since we have chosen to make our mischief here in the United States, the film may not be so easy to come by. Apparently, US distributors consider the film too controversial to fuss with., an influential site which reviews films from a Christian perspective, described Darwin as the father of eugenics and denounced him as “a racist, a bigot and an 1800s naturalist whose legacy is mass murder”. His “half-baked theory” directly influenced Adolf Hitler and led to “atrocities, crimes against humanity, cloning and genetic engineering”, the site stated.

The film has sparked fierce debate on US Christian websites, with a typical comment dismissing evolution as “a silly theory with a serious lack of evidence to support it despite over a century of trying”.

Jeremy Thomas, the Oscar-winning producer of Creation, said he was astonished that such attitudes exist 150 years after On The Origin of Species was published.

“That’s what we’re up against. In 2009. It’s amazing,” he said.

“The film has no distributor in America. It has got a deal everywhere else in the world but in the US, and it’s because of what the film is about. People have been saying this is the best film they’ve seen all year, yet nobody in the US has picked it up.

“It is unbelievable to us that this is still a really hot potato in America. There’s still a great belief that He made the world in six days. It’s quite difficult for we in the UK to imagine religion in America. We live in a country which is no longer so religious. But in the US, outside of New York and LA, religion rules.


Understandably startled by an article which cited what we felt to be a rather fantastic statistic about the belief in evolution in America, we did a bit of our own research. Our findings have had us beating our heads against the wall for two days, in the hope that we’ll either knock ourselves unconscious and no longer have to suffer the stupidity of the typical American, or that we’ll knock ourselves so senseless that we’ll fit right in with the rest of the numbskulls in this country. According to Gallup, as of February 2009, only 39% of Americans actually buy into the theory of evolution.

A full quarter of Americans flatly deny the possibility of such a phenomenon, apparently finding it more palatable (and reasonable) to assume that some omnipotent Saruman-lookin’ entity sneezed onto the primordial ooze lush flowery meadows he had already generously created a couple days before, thereby birthing humanity as we know it.

A further 36% of American geniuses had “no opinion either way,” when asked about evolution, which probably just means they were too focused on enthusiastically gumming their Big Macs to give an intelligible “yes” or “no” response.


Looking at that poll makes our brains ache. Why is it easier for Americans to believe that Zeus god just snapped his fingers and popped humanity into existence? If it’s a matter of preserving one’s faith, who ever said evolution and religion have to be mutually exclusive in the first place?

And if people are going to insist on taking the Bible literally, why can’t they be consistent about it? Shouldn’t the Socialist Party be a bigger hit here in America when Mr. Loaves and Fishes himself was a frackin’ socialist?


The typical expression of your average, everyday American, upon being

asked about trying concepts like evolution and simple addition of

positive, single-digit integers

We should not be being surprised by this disconnect. We are speaking of people who believe that ridding the world of the evil known as “Evolution” would also free us of other such horrors as Communism, Pornography, Drug Culture, Anti-God Philosophies, New Age Religions, Euthanasia, the Radical Feminist Movement (we are loving the Radical Feminists), Sexual Perversion, Nazism, Paganism, Abortion, Uniformitarianism (we are not knowing what this is), Racism and Humanism. They are thinking this Evolution is mighty powerful, no?

Not only is it believed that Evolution is needing to be chopped by an ax-wielding Roman, it is also asserted that those foolish enough to adhere to such an extreme theory — the unwitting souls who fall prey to the evil teachings of those horror mills called “public schools” — are doomed. Doomed! DOOMED!

Efforts to save the children of the Righteous Ones from Zee Lake Of Fire™ start early.

A typical American’s child’s favorite parent-approved toy.

Looks to us as though it costs an *extra dollar to be SAVED from Hellfire and Damnation (ie: Zee Lake Of Fire™ ).


*Boris blew his buck on a Frosty from the Wendy’s dollar menu.

In lieu of Evolution, an alternate theory of “Intelligent Design” is proffered by those touting a Christian science. We would attempt an explanation of how science is Christian but found that we much preferred the following definition to anything we could pull from our rears make up:

Christian Science (also known as pseudoscience and “mumbo-jumbo”) was pioneered by Christians, who felt that critical thinking and the scientific method were making them lose too much money. Thus, they promptly started a campaign to corrupt the whole process. Christian Science operates by mixing sweet lies with the horribly repulsive and bitter truth of reality. Reality is only depressing anyways and so really they’re doing everyone a favor by making it more palletable. Anyone who says otherwise is a Left-wing Liberal Nazi conspirator.


Being, it seems, Left-Wing Liberal Nazi conspirators, we believe that Christian science is balderdashery of the highest order. The Crème de la Crème of such hooey is the Theory of Intelligent Design. It is a mish-mash of poppycock gussied up to have some passing semblance to actual fact-based science. Since Creationism cannot be taught in public schools due to the very wise decision of the Founders to keep church and state separate, the theory of Intelligent Design was made up very scientifically studied by a Right-wing think tank very serious people to provide an alternative to Evolution. Once again, when faced with attempting to define such odoriferous bunkum, we turn to Uncyclopedia:

Intelligent Design is the absolutely true and totally scientific theory that the Universe is so mind-bogglingly complex that it could only have been designed and constructed by an equally, if not more complex, “Intelligent Designer”, whom we shall call the “Creator”. It might be the Christian God …but it’s not likely; more likely is Fred Savage, or maybe even Frank Zappa and we’re not telling! That’s what makes it scientific.


To ensure that they are taken for being the serious minded individuals they deludedly imagine believe themselves to be, AIG (a non-profit Christian apologetics ministry) runs a Creation Museum. A Museum where, along with other ill-informed gobbledygook, they are teaching that zee Great Lizards (Dinosaurs) were floating on the Noah’s Ark and frolicking with humans.

The Creation Museum posits that dinosaurs did make it onto Noah’s Ark, and were saved. So why aren’t they around today? Past the food court and the gift shop, a plush-seated movie theater showed a 10-minute documentary that claims to prove that dinosaurs actually survived the Great Flood — as dragons. Which are of course real. (How else would Saint George have converted people to Christianity?) A few individual survivors — like the Loch Ness Monster, and the Komodo dragons — were still around centuries later.


In a very clear case of “black is white, up is down,” they have decided that dinosaurs prove Creationism, bolster their Intelligent Design theory, and are, in fact, a grand tool for spreading their Christian propaganda message.

In fact, at Answers in Genesis, we call dinosaurs ‘missionary lizards.’ This is because we can show people that the Bible actually explains dinosaurs and makes sense of the evidence we find around the world.


Not Missionary Lizards

They have distorted natural history and known science to fit into their religious narrative. A mockery of real, fact-based science, “Christian Science” is an oxymoron.

The Museum’s cheerful placards matter-of-factly conclude that dinosaurs co-existed with humans. As a visual aid, a tiny animatronic velociraptor stands next to a giggling caveman child, a benevolent prehistoric pet.  By rewriting the ancient past, Answers in Genesis could show that it was in the here and now. And rewrite they did. There were so many dinosaurs at the Creation Museum that I started to wonder whether they would appear with Christ on the cross.



Raskolnikov! Is all such nincompoopery!

We are now showing to you a Venn Diagram:

*Not to scale. Stupidity actually overlaps Religion

  and Politics much more than depicted.

Through extensive drug use scientific research and supported by our vivid imaginations straight facts, we have concluded that there are actually two scientific theories at work here.

Darwinian Evolution:

Christian Evolution:

…or, more precisely, Christian Devolution:

Is plausible, no?

Now, we are wanting to address the equally plausible Theory of Intelligent Falling. Along with the Theory of Intelligent Design (and the Flat Earth Theory), it has begun to make waves in the counter-scientific world. Just as Evolution is based on supposed science, yet easily disproved by Intelligent Design, gravity (which has been unconstitutionally forced upon us as a Law) can be easily debunked by the science of Intelligent Falling.

KANSAS CITY, KS-As the debate over the teaching of evolution in public schools continues, a new controversy over the science curriculum arose Monday in this embattled Midwestern state. Scientists from the Evangelical Center For Faith-Based Reasoning are now asserting that the long-held “theory of gravity” is flawed, and they have responded to it with a
new theory of Intelligent Falling.

“Things fall not because they are acted upon by some gravitational force, but because a higher intelligence, ‘God’ if you will, is pushing them down,” said Gabriel Burdett, who holds degrees in education, applied Scripture, and physics from Oral Roberts University.

Evangelical Scientists Refute Gravity With New ‘Intelligent Falling’ Theory

Sign Petition Here

Those in support of both Intelligent Design and Intelligent Falling are not calling for Evolution or Gravity to be banned from America’s schools. They merely want to present students with all the scientific facts so that they can then make an informed decision on their own. Is all so very reasonable, no?


The terminological inexactitudes are maddening. We are wishing that Darwin’s theory would work faster and rid us of such boneheaded simpletons.

We are feeling an understanding for those who believe that the Christly religion might need some pruning to rid itself of its thorniest branches.

“Too many Christians….not enough Lions”

We are knowing that we are being offensive…we are not caring.

We are, after all, the World’s Greatest No-Goodniks and loyal members of the Villains, Thieves, and Scoundrels Union.

Silly Mooses.

Boris & Natasha




  1. Very well written too. Not bad for someone writing in a second language. But then you commie spies are all sent to university for training. Damn commies and their free education.

  2. Hollede

    That is the most hysterical thing I have seen in a long time. Damn. Now my face and stomach hurt from laughing. Got some phlegm for me?

  3. …my mysterious Russkie Satirists.

    But in an act of phlegmatic British party poopery (yes ‘phlegm ‘ is one of the four humours, and have you seen how dull the Limeys are in this season’s Mad Men?) I’m going to have to depart from you on the idea that stupidity is non-adaptive.

    Ignoring all the evidence that humans are no longer either centre of the universe, nor the summation of life, may be epistemologically wrong, but it might be advantageous under some conditions. On a previous diary we had a long discussion how religion provides cohesion, significance, optimism and perhaps a group advantage in terms of natural or artificial selection.

    I love science and Darwin, but this fascinating review of the Creation movie in yesterday’s Guardian makes some salient points about the evolution of stupidity.

    The Darwinian universe isn’t people-friendly. As someone says in Creation, if God has no plan for us, nothing matters – not love, not trust, not honour. Godless societies are coming to discover what this means, and it isn’t very inspiring. The creationists may be mistaken, but that doesn’t stop them from being happier than so many cheerless atheists. Perhaps their perversity shouldn’t be put down simply to stupidity. Darwin’s message is available to them. It’s not that they can’t understand it; it’s that they don’t want to. To some extent they may be willing themselves to reject it in favour of the alternative they prefer.

    People have a strange capacity to believe things they know on some level to be untrue. We defy reason whenever we read our horoscopes, apply wrinkle cream or buy a lottery ticket. According to Creation, even Darwin was capable of overriding his convictions. At one point, he promises to believe in God as part of a bargain with his non-existent Creator. All God has to do is to let his child live. No dice, unfortunately.

    The creationists have come to their own opaque arrangement with reality. They’ve sacrificed reason for something they value more. If you want to engage them in debate, they’re happy enough to argue the toss, but they’re not actually open to persuasion. Deride them if you like, but who’s going to have the last laugh?

    Evolution doesn’t guarantee intelligence. It’s obviously a factor in survival, but not the only one.


    Joyless nitpicking Brit

  4. Boris and Natasha

    We are not feeling a “gaping hole inside of us”, but this man, he is making us to wish for a gaping hole in our heads to put us out of our misery. He and his fellow mouthbreathers make our brains ache.

    This Glenn Beck is being the King of Nincompoopery and his followers are coming from zee shallow end of the gene pool (despite Evolution’s best efforts, some have yet to evolve).

    Zee stupid…it burns.

Comments are closed.