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Since 2008 – Progress Through Politics

Lounge – Navy Insults (and other bits of Humor)


As promised, here are a few of the better insults that I remember from the Navy:

“I’d say that you were dumber than a bag of hammers, but that would be an insult to a useful tool.”

“You’re holdin’ up the whole Navy, Midshipman David!”  (That one is burned into my memory).

“You’re the kind of person that would go looking for the batteries for the “sound-powered” phones, aren’t ya’?” (Can be alternated with a variation: “You’re the kind of person that would go looking for relative bearing grease, aren’t ya’?”)

One of the harshest that I remember is one that I picked up in 1985:

“If you don’t move any faster, I’m gonna kick your ass so hard, your momma’s gonna have labor pains from you, all over again.” (Obviously not very PC, but extremely inventive.  I heard this one from a Chief Bosun’s Mate on the USS Enterprise)

I’ll try to dredge my memory for a few more, but for your reading pleasure, here is a prime example of Navy humor below (please feel free to add your most inventive insults):

A young Ensign was in a bad car accident, but due to the heroics of the hospital staff the only permanent injury was the loss of one ear.   Since he wasn’t physically impaired he remained in the military and eventually became an Admiral.

During his career he was always sensitive about his appearance.

One day the Admiral was interviewing three Master Chiefs for the Command Master Chief position.

The first Master Chief was a Surface Navy type and it was a great interview.  At the end of the interview the Admiral asked him, “Do you notice anything different about me?”  

The Master Chief answered, “Why yes. I couldn’t help but notice you are missing your starboard ear, so I need to know whether this impacts your hearing on that side.”

The Admiral got very angry at this lack of tact and threw him out of his office.

The next candidate, a Submarine Service Master Chief, when asked this same question, answered, “Well yes, you seem to be short one ear.” The Admiral threw him out also.

The third interview was with a Seabee Master Chief. He was articulate, extremely sharp, and seemed to know more than the other two Master Chiefs put together. The Admiral wanted this guy, but went ahead with the same question, “Do you notice anything different about me?”

To his surprise the Seabee said, “Yes sir. You wear contact lenses.”

The Admiral was impressed and thought to himself, what an incredibly tactful Master Chief. “And how do you know that?” the Admiral asked.  

The Seabee Master Chief replied, “Well sir, it’s pretty hard to wear glasses with only one Fucking ear.”


  1. spacemanspiff

    Oh yeah!




    I’d say that you were dumber than a bag of hammers, but that would be an insult to a useful tool.

    This, this right here…

    I’m using this line every chance I get.

    Can’t stop giggling, still drunk and nothing like lighting up and wolfing down on some waffles! Whipped cream and strawberrys, extra maple syrup.

    Life is good.

  2. spacemanspiff

    after I left the party here I left for the clubs.

    It was funny cuz I hadn’t gotten up since I started smoking and drinking and almost fell on my ass when I went to get dressed. After barely being able to dress myself I could tell my mind wasn’t as clear as I thought it was.

    Anways, called up Ali. He’s the taxi driver who picked me up at the airport. I talk to EVERYBODY so I make quick friends. He’s Iranian and so fucking cool. That’s another thing I hate about the pugs. The way they demonize a group to the point mentioning them becomes a badword (muslims?). He took me to God knows where. Palmed a 50 in the bouncers hand and in I was in.  I looked back and noticed there was a very short list and they were letting everybody in. So yeah, 50 bucks down the toilet. Guess I’m used to the NYC nightlife scene. Anways, the place was crazy, as least that’s what I remember. I was wasted so by the time I made it to the bar I was sweating like crazy. I’d promised I wouldn’t drink anything but it’s hard standing around without anything in my hands. Got myself a beer and checked the place out.

    Anyways, the last thing I remember was downing shots with some Venenzuelan folks I met. It’s fun when you’re dancing in the middle of the floor while hifiving (and scaring) people you don’t know. Texans are extremely cool people. Lot’s of Mexicans down here and that was really nice because my accent becomes more pronounced when I’m drunk and I can barely understand what I’m saying. I’d rather talk spanish in these circumstances.

    Got home ALONE like at 7 in the morning ( no Indie Bond luck here, wasn’t really trying though……yeah…umm….right). There is an IHOP near my hotel. You’ve got to love when you want into a place and people are eating breakfast and waking up and you get in there with bloodshot eyes and reeking of alcohol. Good times. Took my food to go, put it in the mini fridge, toked up and fell asleep. Woke up (toked up) and wolfed down my waffles while reading this masterpiece by Stipes (toked up again).

    Oh…and no. The receptionist was safe from my drunken advances, it was an older man and I don’t like the hairy and penis having types.

    (toking up)

    I released my inner bob once again!

  3. ragekage



    But the RDCs usually didn’t curse, they just came up with creative ways to punish us. Some kid forgot to lock his shit up, and one of the red ropers made him wear this giant, Jacob Marley-looking get up with about forty padlocks on it everywhere we went. Another kid was doomed to carry around an ironing board, iron, and shirt everywhere we marched, and everytime we stopped, he had to put down the board and start ironing the shit out of his shirt.

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